Kitten on the Keys

Backpedalling

2006-06-30T20:22:00.000+12:00

Due to monumental stress and busy-ness, I feel unable to cope with the organisation of PotC2 for a large group of people.

Please refer to Chad for your pirates-viewing needs.

=^_^=

ARRRR!!!!

2006-06-27T11:03:00.000+12:00

IMPORTANT NOTE FOR MY FRIENDS:

I am heading to Pirates of the Caribbean 2 when it starts on Thursday 6th July.
Chad and I have discussed the possibility of a large group of us going together, so if any of you want to come and see PotC2 that evening, please let me know as I plan to book tickets in advance.

So far, only one session is confirmed and I can book tickets for it this Thursday. It's for 8:45pm on the 6th. How does everyone feel about that time? I might wait and see if there are any earlier ones going that night over the next couple of days as more sessions are confirmed, depending upon what you guys think! :)

In any case, if you want to come on the Thursday night, please leave a comment! I'm going to attempt to organise this whole thing... I'll need to go in at some stage I suppose and pay for the tickets... so money would be needed in advance!

Cheers!

From Rabid Pirates Fan =^_^=

Damn The Man

2006-03-08T15:50:00.000+13:00

The University Sux. :P

So, I go into class at polytech, right? And I get called into the office by the secretary, who says that the University doesn't have any record that I'm enrolled.

I have a sheet that was printed out BY ENROLMENT with my class details PLUS a RECEIPT that says I've paid for said courses! :P

So, I relay this information, then get called back later by the secretary at polytech who says the university has *found* my enrolment information, but I'm somehow still not on the class lists!

Which thus means I cannot receive my polytech student ID, because they need proof I'm attending classes on this campus before issuing me one.

Why is this such a problem?

Because I attend the Jazz School, which has *swipe card access*... the student ID cards for those attending here are encoded with swipe access for the jazz school.

I cannot get into any of the rooms without someone else letting me through at this current point of time.

I'm not afraid to say, that THIS is a PAIN IN THE ARSE.

That is all for now. I'm sure I'll find time to rant about this further at some other stage. :P

Just A Note...

2006-03-01T23:03:00.000+13:00

Uhh... I have reconsidered my last post and realise my comments about the males in my flat not doing any house work may have come across as serious; I just want to make sure everyone knows I was joking! :) They do a lot; in fact, Breo took it upon himself to do the manly chore of mowing the lawn.

...I would prefer dishes.

...In fact, I would prefer nothing at all.

...Actually, I probably do less than them anyway :P

heheh.

ta ta for now my pets!

me =^_^=

An Update. woo.

2006-03-01T15:32:00.000+13:00

sup.

:)

Well, life seems to be getting back into the swing of things... with several changes :P

I am now flatting (more on *that* later!), and last week I turned 21, which was kinda scary. I'm an "adult".

Ugh. It probably shouldn't be legal to define me as an "adult".

Also, this will be my last year of study, after which I will have completed my degree: a Bachelor of Music. yay. :)

...So yeah. As per usual, life is hectic!

Anyway... back to the topic of flatting. It has been fun so far with the likes of Matt, Breo, Mike and my only other female companion in a flat of boys, Kate. (However, would SOMEONE OF THE MALE INHABITANTS PLEASE DO THE DISHES?! WE ARE NOT YOUR SCULLERY MAIDS!...unless you pay us. lots... and uh...no, we won't wear uniforms :P)

In any case, no matter my grumbling of the lack of cleaning, I actually really enjoy being in the flat unfortunately dubbed "Tonga Massive" (due to such a title on the letterbox. boo.)

So... what else could I say about my life at the moment for all you stalkers out there?

...I've been thinking about creating an anime/cartoon comic strip, since I love drawing anime so much, as a representation of my life and posting it on here... I doubt this would really make anyone else laugh apart from me, since I will take great pleasure in drawing my friends as anime characters... hehehe. But I don't exactly have much time at the moment, so I shall see...

In any case, I'm starving and I'm currently at jazz school taking up unneccessary space on one of the computers...well, I have been copying CDs-Imean-ahhh *cough*...researching and listening to different artists to help with my musical education? uh....

*runs away*

Tent Needs For Parachute!

2006-01-14T12:48:00.000+13:00

Hey everyone

I am posting in desperation to say: I need a tent for the Parachute music festival this year, and I was wondering if anyone knows of any available? Either a tent I can borrow, or someone who is going up there with a tent that has space for me! I'm leaving for Wellington on Monday, then going straight to Parachute from there, so please let me know if you can help!

Anyone got any ideas?

=^_^=

Gone But Not Forgotten

2005-12-03T15:29:00.000+13:00

I found out today that my cat is dead.

She was put down at the beginning of the week.

I casually asked mum why I hadn't seen Cinders recently (affectionately remembered as "Cindy"), and she said she had had her put down...

Cindy, as those who are close to me know, had an excessive drooling problem; in fact, it was subject to great amusement that long "drool chains" would extend from her mouth to the ground and drag along beside her as she padded around home...

But I knew, though I laughed, that it was a health problem and urged mum to take her to the vet...

...who announced that Cindy's mouth was cancerous. Half of her top gum was rotten and decayed away...

She also suffered from some bone malfunction thing which pretty much meant she had animal arthritis...

I would have thought she would have been in more pain, but she never seemed unhappy... just desperate for some attention.

Which I never gave her.

But I loved her. I did and I still do; though she was really fat and drooled everywhere, I challenge anyone to show me a cat more sweet tempered than her...

It didn't matter whatever you did to her; she would just look trustingly up at you with large, luminescent green eyes... and if you needed a cuddle, she would be the first one to waddle over and curl up on your belly, purring loudly.

Okay, the drool-thing became pretty disgusting, but I will be hard-pressed to ever find another cat as affectionate as her.

Plus, I guess I'm also sad because she has pretty much been my "life companion"; I've had her since I was about six years old... which means she was quite old for a kitty, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss her...

And the timing sucks too. It's like everything is changing for me at the moment. I'm going flatting next year, I'm almost finished with my study, this will be the first Christmas I've had without my family...

And now one of my best feline friends is gone.

To those who I am flatting with next year: I'm starting to really want to have a cat in the flat... whether or not I'd be allowed to, is the main question...

But if it was possible... *sigh* it didn't matter before, because I could always go home and visit Cinders, but now...

Now she's gone. And I miss her so much. I know she's an animal, but it's more than that:

She was one of a handful of "symbols" in my life that represented familiarity, comfort and security: she was home.

...

I will never forget you, Cinders "Baby" of the Eastmond Tabby Family. You were the best cat companion I could have ever hoped for. I miss you...

It Came Out From Under A Rock...

2005-11-07T17:44:00.000+13:00

*crawls out from under rock and brushes off dust*

Greetings Blog-Readers!

I have returned!

Today was the last day of my courses and it is time to get back on the socialite bandwagon.... so to speak... ?! :P

So this is a note to all my friends: ring me now if something is going on, cause I am well and truly ready to cut loose and wreak havoc on society! MUAHAHAHA *cough*

As you can probably tell, my self-inflicted hermitage has had a rather ill effect on my sanity...what little I had in the first place :D

Anyhoo, Random Jess Update:

1) Am finished for the year, as I said. Now to write more personal songs, rather than finishing assignments :P
2) I shall be in Wellington for most of next week, taking part in some musical business plan-thingee I've been invited to attend. I'm going up there to jam, write some music, see if I match up musically with other people, and if all goes well I'm looking at a role as Music Director in the project... whether or not I'll accept such a hefty position and responsibility remains to be seen, as it could possibly change my life around completely!
3) In relation to the above, am also going to be playing in a band at Parachute '06... so you better all be going!!!!!!!!!!! It will be a good experience for me. Hopefully it will encourage me to get off my ass, write my music and get a band together myself to take to Parachute '07... Anyhoo...
4) THE POOL IS 30 DEGREES! Who is coming to my place for a swim these hols?! *grins*
5) My parents are going away this Christmas, leaving me all by me onesies, so if there are going to be any other orphaned children in Christchurch, let me know! We should organise something! I hear the Suva St flat might be up for a Christmas party???... (I'd do something here, but we all know what my parents are like, and the further along I go in my Christian walk, the more guilty I feel if I go behind their backs and have people over anyway. Much as I'd obviously like to... My mother is paranoid, I swear... *shakes head* "Your friends will set fire to the house!!!"..not that she has said that, but she may as well :P)
6) BEAT this Thursday! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's the end of year concert/party for the Jazz and Rock School at CPIT. Tickets are available through Ticketek. It's at the Convention Centre. AWESOME! Once the concert is done, us Jazzites will take over the entire place and party until midnight...at which point everyone will go off to their own individual underground-barely-legal-gatherings *grins* (lol, I exaggerate, but you get the idea). Fun for me! *does a little dance* In any case, the concert is open to all of ya, if you're willing to pay out a few bucks through Ticketek.
7) I've got a few gigs coming up, so if anyone is interested in hearing me play, check my jazz band's website, The SJ Set, for details!

Anyhoo, I'm off!

Love,
Jessi the Social Butterfly (recently having escaped the cocoon of jazz school)

Ciao =^_^=

Frustrated

2005-09-05T16:24:00.000+12:00

I am frustrated.

frus·trate (frùs¹trât´) verb, transitive
frus·trat·ed, frus·trat·ing, frus·trates
1. a. To prevent from accomplishing a purpose or fulfilling a desire; thwart: A persistent wind frustrated my attempt to rake the lawn. b. To cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement in.
2. To make ineffectual or invalid; nullify.

[Middle English frustraten, from Latin frústrârì, frústrât-, from frústrâ, in vain.]
— frus¹trat´er noun
— frus¹trat´ing·ly adverb

Synonyms: frustrate, thwart, foil, balk. These verbs mean to prevent the attainment or fulfillment of a goal or purpose. To frustrate is to cause to be completely unavailing: A poor memory frustrated her efforts to become an actress. Thwart suggests defeat by direct opposition: “He was thwarted at every step by political obstacles” (William E.H. Lecky). To foil is to defeat by or as if by outwitting, confounding, or disconcerting: The conspirators will be foiled in their intrigue. Balk implies the placing of barriers or hindrances in another's way: “Time after time our hopes are balked” (Herbert Spencer).

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition is licensed from Houghton Mifflin Company. Copyright © 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.Selected Illustrations from the Concise Columbia Encyclopedia. Copyright © 1991 by Columbia University Press.

I have stuff to do. Dreams and goals I wish to fulfill, and yet I am getting distracted by the most stupid of things... meetings, internet, parties, doing laundry...

As a musician, I keep reading of many of the "great" artists in history having done some sort of, what is known in jazz circles at least as, "woodshedding". Which, amazingly enough, also has a dictionary definition:

verb, intransitive

wood·shed·ded, wood·shed·ding, wood·sheds

Slang.

To practice on a musical instrument.

I kid you not. Anyway. Point being, this term is apparently derived from musicians that holed themselves up for hours/days/months (again, not kidding) in some sort of space completely alone (the original space supposedly used to be a woodshed, hence the name) where they ate, slept and did nothing but pratice their instrument.

I haven't practiced in an age. At least, the way I *should* be practising (for I am in a band and practice in that sense)... alone and intensively.

I get distracted by the daily annoying things in life. So I'm putting my foot down and am now going to retreat into a hermit-like existence for awhile. Which means no friends either.

My phone is off the hook. I will not be hanging out with anyone. I am on a social hiatus. I may come out to important events (like 21sts or attending church) but Jess the socialite does not exist for the next while.

The definition of "while" could be anywhere from a fortnight, all the way to Christmas holidays. It really depends on how quickly I can get my act (no pun intended, swearing wasn't an option :P) together.

I love my friends. I really do. But sometimes they can get in the way of other important things; not to in any way imply it's their fault. I could always say no to outings, or go home earlier rather than stay up until 1 am "chatting".

I've been musically stagnant and it's killing me. So, I need this for awhile.

Until I deem myself back on track, this is.... not goodbye. More like...

Please Hold

We Are Currently Experiencing Technical Difficulties.

*bzzzzzttt*

Amusingly Interesting... :D

2005-08-31T18:59:00.000+12:00

Something for the philosophical science debaters...:

A university professor challenged his students with this question.
"Did God create everything that exists?"
A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"
"God created everything?", the professor asked.
"Yes sir", the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil."

The student became quiet before such an answer.The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"
What kind of question is this? Of course it exists.
"Have you never been cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young student's name?... who the hell cares, it's a good story :P

(edited 01/09/05)

*grins*

I Miss You Chocolate...

2005-08-17T11:37:00.000+12:00

Well, there have been several interesting developments in my life...

I am now a model. :P Yeah, I'm still finding it hard to believe too! lol...
For a well-renowned hair salon that shall remain nameless in case people come across my blog and find all the personal stuff I've written! heheh.... basically, I'm their new "face" and I'll be plastered all over the country in various advertisements for their salons in a month or so...
heheh, cool but kinda freaky! I fly up next week for photo shoots etc where I will be getting my hair changed very very drastically, all dressed up and "pout in a sultry manner" at the camera (words in speech-marks are direct quote from someone involved in the whole process! :P LOL). AND...I get given money. Awesomeness. muahahah.

So that's going to be a lot of fun...except now I'm on a strict health regime where I'm not allowed to eat any junk food *glum*... I miss you chocolate... *sniffle*...
Have also started going to those "aqua-cise/ aqua-fit" gym classes held in water. Man it's hardcore! I totally suggest it for anyone out there who doesn't like gyms overly much, wants to tone up and/or has physical issues with any excercise that is high-impact...or even low impact! Simply because, since you're in the water, THERE'S NO IMPACT AT ALL! The best kind! High resistance, zero impact. Plus, I like swimming. Not that you're really swimming per se, but whatever. And it's even better if you're doing it in an indoor pool, which I am, since it is currently winter in New Zealand and pretty damn cold outside :P (at least to me, the wuss-queen of all low-temperature wusses)!
So, I'm actually (very surprisingly for those who know me) enjoying the fitness side of things and doing that in the water... but when you're on a no-junkfood diet (and several other bits and pieces which I live on have been forbidden...such as potatoes!... oh sweet potatoes, how I miss you...), you suddenly realise how often people are eating said, well, crap! It's EVERYWHERE! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT!!!! AHHHHHH!...AND I WANT IT SO BAD!!!!!
I suppose, from a Christian perspective, it is a good excercise in avoiding temptation, but oh it is so mean! :P

In other news, just the usual me slogging away at my music degree and oh yeah...
My Band is currently um, "renovating", so to speak. Some personnel changes, repertoire changes... it's gonna be good. Before, there wasn't anything separating us from any other jazz band out there... just playing standard jazz tunes and blah blah... but NOW...

We've started to write originals and are now focusing our energies towards something a bit more unique, different, and well... us. I'm quite stoked by the whole process... plus, Katie and I ( generally the organisers/planners/directors of the whole damn show! ARGH!) want to work with other people who actually are just as keen as us to go in the direction we are headed... makes sense, dontcha think? heheh So that's cool...

In terms of Christian-life... I LOVE GOD! AND HE IS AWESOME!!!! I got to worship-lead last Sunday, which I have done so before, but it's really hard to do from a piano because you can't really direct the other members of the band... so I did it from the front. Singing. A little bit of guitar...
It's been awhile, but maannnnn I enjoyed it! Everyone else seemed to enjoy it too, but either way, it was one of those moments I felt really close to God, and like I had finally pressed my thumb onto the center of what it is I should be doing with my life. Y'know, like for a moment in time, everything went "click".
While I was away in Europe, I wrote a lot of song lyrics regarding my faith, and now is the time to be putting it to music! I'm very excited by the prospect. I think I've been floundering around for awhile but finally have some good focus and motivation to do what I should be doing...

Although, I think the motivation has come from being on a no-junkfood diet. Seriously. Do you have any idea how much you can accomplish when you're not allowed to eat any of the "yummy" food? I've been so frustrated by it, that I've actually gone out and worked my butt off in several different areas of my life that have mostly been lying around stagnant...until now! LOL

Speaking of which, I've probably wasted enough time on here... and I realise a lot of you have short attention spans and probably stopped reading a long time ago. Kudos to you. *grins* I talk a whole lot of nothing half the time! tee hee
Anyway, I'm off to one of the nameless hair salon stores for a test to see whether or not all my hair is gonna fall out if they use any of their strong chemicals on me. *grins*
My family has sensitive skin. This should be interesting. heheh.

Ciao!

=^_^=

Random Snippets

2005-08-01T18:42:00.000+12:00

Well, I'm back into routine (pretty much) since being on holiday... ick :P heh. Though, it is good to be home, with friends and family...and a warm comfy bed!

mmm... warm, comfy bed.

I definitely have a greater appreciation for everything in my life now :)

Um, have also been reading back over comments people left while I was away (nice to know you were all reading my blog! heheh!) and I just wanted to let those people know who said I was being ripped off for coffee, that of COURSE we were ripped off for coffee!...

...we were in STARBUCKS :P With the biggest-sized drinks you could get there. Naturally it was expensive. *grins* Thank you for your concerns, however! :)

In any case.... it's going to be an interesting second semester. To give you a glimpse into what I'm up to, this is what I'm studying in Jazz Theory III:

"The Lydian Chromatic Concept of Tonal Organisation for Improvisation"

Beat that for complicated topic titles! :P

Home Sweet Home

2005-07-17T09:23:00.000+12:00

Ahhh my friends, I have returned! (is that a good thing? :P heheh)
Am tired, have lost weight, and have several bags bursting at the seams that are filled with all kinds of exotic bits and pieces.... including a drum, two flutes and a buzuki! tee hee! The excitement! :D
Have missed you all very much, and will post more pictures when I get the chance... for now... I need a shower. :P Ick.

hehe :)

Turkey (and getting there)

2005-06-28T12:04:00.000+12:00

Couple more emails

Have left santorini am now back in athens at the airport- we are sleeping tonight at the airport before catching our flight to Turkey! ick! have also spent the last nine hours on a boat from santorini to athens on top of that :P

the keyboard and computer terminal i am using are very very weird with metal keypad and lacking several key buttons! strange! would write more but there is time limit on here, and fankly am absolutely shattered from yet another day of full on travelling :P rash looks better at least... lol

oh well, back to my comfy airport seat bed. i feel like an extra in The
Terminal movie!

Sorry I haven't emailed in so long! It took us a while to find an internet cafe in turkey that wasn't, well, seedy :P

First thing I have to say about Turkey is this: TURKISH MEN ARE PERVERTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would explain further, but it would take a really long time- Janine has had really bad experence and is quite shaken by it... they take any opportunity to touch your bottom or breasts through what I like to call "Purposeful Contact": the city of Istanbul has over 15 million people in it alone! So you can imagine how busy etc etc it is here... PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!!!! So, it's easy to "accidentally" brush up against people, and Turkish men seem to take every opportunity to position their hands in such a way that they'll brush against said areas as they're walking past you. They'll do more if you hesitate. They also won't stop leering at you if you're an unaccompanied (ie, have no male companions) female! so you can imagine the trouble the three of us have come across here! Nina the most because she is young but also blonde.

We met up with this really nice couple who are also staying at our hotel, so we've been tagging along with them some places and voila! No more men hassling us! So I won't be coming back to Turkey unless in the company of male friends/family members/husband/etc etc... too difficult otherwise!

Asides from that kind of crap to deal with, I've actually bought a lot of neat things in Turkey. Have become addicted to turkish apple tea.

I'm going to have to be quick now because I'm running out of time, so brief overview:
Have visited the Dolmabache Palace, The Blue Mosque, have yet to go to the Hagia Sophia, even though it's very close to our hotel! heheh. Am staying in old turkish quarter. Amazing to see all the muslim women. Get woken up in the morning byt eerie muslim wailing-chant, calling muslims to prayer. Kinda cool to listen to. Happens five times a day!

Unfortunately am not dealing with sitiophobia overly well. Hard too because Janine and Mum are greatly disliking all the food in Turkey, and it can be expensive to eat out (same deal in Greece). Everything is absolutely swimming in oil. I even had chips tonight that were swimming in oil, it was incredible(-y bad!)!!!! So haven't had opportunity to really try anything; Oh! Had a chocolate crepe yesterday! yummy! *drool* But then, that's not exactly healthy, heheh.

Money is interesting here too, because although we have been working in euros so far, Turkey is in lira, working in millions and thousands, which can be really confusing- ie, 3 coffees cost 17 million lira! So bizarre!

[edit 29/06/05]

Anyhoo, I just realised I might have worried you with all that talk about
turkish men being perverts, we're quite alright actually and are fairly
safe. Men are just sleaze balls and make icky comments when you're walking
by etc. For the most part. heh. We're all fine though and our hotel is
lovely and the people running it are SO nice!

Santorini

2005-06-20T16:00:00.000+12:00

Had chance to email again. Am now in Santorini. Very hot, have horrible heat rash, but it's very beautiful here. Probably up there with Paros. :) Beach front stores are awesome, the sand here is "black" (well, poo-brown, but whatever.)

Time seems to be passing in a blur, Feels like we've been here for weeks already. I might go to the ancient Thira ruins tomorrow! Janine has bought her wedding dress over here... and shoes! It's very funky, in this peachy-pink colour. She'll look great... obviously not my kind of thing, being a traditionalist, wanting white etc etc... but it's just perfect for my sister.

Hotel here is awesome, with wonderful deep swimming pool, however very noisy outside. We've been in Santorini over the weekend so it's been quite busy... people stay out really late. The shops don't shut until midnight (which suits my mother and sister just fine! *grins*) However, when we've been trying to sleep it's been too noisy to do so...well, for my sister anyway. Me? I took an antihystamine for my horrible heat rash, so I was out for the count. lol Will probably do it again tonight!

Right. Back to shopping. Sigh.

I'm more looking forward to the ruins tomorrow...

Quick update

2005-06-18T12:11:00.000+12:00

Hey everyone!

Am currently on the island of Naxos- kinda boring actually *frowns* Nothing much to see or do here. May as well be in the Lyttleton harbour actually, just with much hotter weather! The culture seems to have been swamped by tourism stuff, if that...

I'm getting tanned already! Was out by the pool yesterday (the one redeeming feature of our time here in Naxos: our hotel has a pool!), and am already a golden brown. Tend to get burnt here very quickly, so am using lots of sunscreen!

Paros has definitely been the favourite so far. Beautiful typical greek housing, small narrow streets with cobblestones etc. Very beautiful and SO typically greek it's incredible- white washed stone buildings with bright blue window frames etc.... and stony beaches... it's more rough sand, if that makes sense...like, not pure sandy beaches, but rather full of little grains of stone... not enough to be a bother however :) The people are extremely friendly and helpful! :) Am definitely the map-reader of the three of us, since I always manage to track down the places we need to be (but get blamed if we go off track slightly, and that was the ONE time and it wasn't even my fault!!!!! :P)

Good luck with the study everyone!
Jesse =^_^=

Photos!

2005-06-18T12:00:00.000+12:00

Athens

Athens ruins

Plaka in Athens

The island of Paros

Not 100% sure on the locations, but I think they're right :)

Thanks to ImageShack for free image hosting!

Athens

2005-06-15T11:41:00.000+12:00

Hey everyone!

We arrived here in Athens about 3am Monday your time.... which was some time Sunday afternoon for us... I can't remember anymore. Time is passing in a blur at the moment! Today is Tuesday and we are heading out of Athens to our first Greek Island "Paros". We'll be there for a couple of days then will head to Naxos, then Santorini. After that we will come back to Athens and fly out to Turkey and spend a week there. Not sure what the rest of our journey will be like after that but we shall see!

It is beautifully hot over here and (obviously) we have hit the markets already.Apparently with the Euro becoming the new currency in all the European Union countries has caused massive inflation. :P Oh well.Found a random greek instrument I'm keen to buy. Kind of looks like that mandolin that...is it Greg or Jeremy?...hasplayed in church. Except bigger. And very very cool :D (and expensive.... erm... *cough*) We shall see though... am going to check out the shoppping in other places first.

Feels like I'm living in a dream. We have all been suffering hideous vertigo (sp?) from the time zone changes...

I visited the ruins of the Parthenon and Acropolis yesterday! And I'm going to do some more exploring of other ruins today while my mother and sister return to shopping :P (figures, eh?)

...Not sure what they'd do without me though... as I predicted, I've become the official map-reader! LOL It took me awhile to figure out how it worked though, because streets etc are in a haphazard sort of format, with names stuck on sides of buildings rather than poles pointing down the correct street like we have in New Zealand... so I couldn't figure out if the name was referring to the road we wereon, or the one around the corner... quite confusing!

So far we've been in a youth hostel in Athens and we will be glad to leave today... for the money paid for our room, it's been pretty shoddy- with shared, co-ed bathroom facilities! EEP! We also got screwed around the first day because when we arrived they said we have only booked for two people rather than three, which wasn't true! But it's all worked out which is good.

Miss you all!

=^_^=

[edit] fixed spacing

When the cats away...

2005-06-11T18:52:00.000+12:00

So Jess has now left.

Which of course begs the question, what colour should her blog be when she gets back?

The Geek Comes Out Of The Closet

2005-06-06T18:35:00.000+12:00

For the amusement of everyone...

I just took the Geek Test, and I am a resounding:

TOTAL GEEK: 26.62722%

teehee! Bet you didn't see that one coming! Apparently I have several geek characteristics that none of you know anything about! muahahahahhaa!!!!!!!! ;)

...I suppose the fact that I'm kinda proud of this score just proves it, right? oh, stop looking at me like that! :P

5 Days To Go...

2005-06-06T17:55:00.000+12:00

I am slowly but surely preparing to leave for Europe... hopefully, I'll have the opportunity to update this blog while overseas and thus keep you all informed of my joyous frolicking around foreign countrysides! My mother has also bought a digital camera so maybe, just maybe, I'll have time to load a couple of pictures on here. :)
I've added my darling Paul on here as a contributor, so he can take care of those kinds of things and keep you all updated while I'm off doing my frolicking! tee hee!
Also, please keep a careful eye on my blog: just because I've added Paul as a contributor, doesn't mean I trust him not to cheekily mess around with my blog... so beware! And be a good snark by emailing me and telling me if he's (mis)behaving himself! *grins* lol :P :P :P :P ;)

Anyhoo, I better get back to my packing....or rather, protecting my packing, considering my mother and sister keep ganging up on me and bullying me into taking particular clothes etc (which I bet I don't end up wearing anyway! Honestly, it's a nightmare! They say "pack light", which I do, then they go and add a whole lot of stuff in, then I get in trouble when my bag is heavy :P I CAN'T WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Oh well... heheh. At the moment, I'm just excited about going overseas again. It's been so long since I've travelled last and I've got that travel-itch, so this is going to be a lot of fun! :)

Unfortunately, I have a lot of assignments etc due between now, and the day I leave, so I better get off here and stop procrastinating! lol :)

Oh and PS: I bought a mini-iPod! It's going to be great for listening to music while I'm away! sweeeeetttttt :D I totally endorse this product! If you have the chance to get your hands on one, go for it! :)

Curiosity killed the Cat?

2005-06-04T16:46:00.000+12:00

Wow...I haven't updated in ages. Again.

oh well...at least it shows I have a life outside the internet! muaha! :D

Anyhoo, I just came online to say that my father is mean!

As most of you probably know by now, I am heading off to Europe next Saturday for five weeks. And do you know what my father said?!:

"Jess.... if you came back, and Cinders (my cat) was gone, would you be upset?"

I think he plans to kill my cat.

I am not amused. :P

She may be fat and drools everywhere, but she's still my furry little kitty and I love her!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sniffles*

I can only hope and pray she will be there, waddling to greet me, when I return from Europe. :S :P

squidgy. coz I can.

2005-04-30T19:13:00.001+12:00

I have made the discovery that my grandmother and mother were petite little things when they were my age... and I'm bigger than them! How embarrassing... although amusing, considering I'm only size 8-10 ANYWAY...
I always thought the females on my mother's side of the family had a tendency to fat as they got older, however my mother has always been slim. I thought that was just a streak of good luck on her part though! On closer inspection into my family history though, it has been discovered that those "larger" relatives of mine are so due to, for lack of a better word, laziness. And my grandmother I never really did think about because, well, she's old. I think you start shrinking when you hit the last few years of your life anyway. *shudders*

However, as my grandmother is reaching that stage of preparing herself for death (as morbid as that sounds, I hope all those reading this know what I mean), she's been giving away lots of her things and going through the old "junk" that sits in boxes in various cupboards.

I have discovered my grandmother has awesome taste in shoes.

I have also discovered my grandmother had pixie-feet. I cannot fit her awesome shoes. How depressing :P

...

I'd rather die before reaching the stage she's at. She has had one leg removed because it lost all circulation and became gangrenous, is well on the way to losing the other one, suffers from dementia and has no short term memory.... in fact, I do believe she has thought it was my 21st birthday for the last three years (I've only just turned twenty), and as a result, keeps trying to give me $100 as a birthday gift. Since it's nigh impossible to convince her I'm not 21 (and believe me, I've tried) I generally just go with it. (which, obviously, I wouldn't be complaining about! heh) However, this year her memory has gotten so bad, she tried to give me $100 three times over, after ALREADY having passed a cheque along to my mother for safe-keeping :P At least I managed to convince her that she already had given me the money. Again. And Again. Sigh.

The situation is rather amusing. For awhile she was obsessed with germs and was convinced her mattress was full of "asian" bugs that had been brought into the country, and refused to sleep on it, saying she could see them moving.

...yeah, well. that picture makes me laugh. But in all seriousness, it's quite sobering to think that *that* is what you have to look forward to in your old age! Poor thing...

I'm hoping that Jesus will return before I get like that. heh. :)

Anyhoo, that was a slight tangent... I just thought it was about time I updated my blog.

If anyone wants to know what I've actually been doing with my time, it's pretty much been:

study. work. church stuff.

Wow. my life. *grins*

However, there are some major events that I shall make people aware of:

1) I am leaving for Europe on June 11th for 5-6 weeks, touring around London, the greek islands, Turkey and Paris. :D heheh! Goodbye New Zealand winter! woooo hello Greek sun! yummy! ~_~
I'll send you guys a postcard. Maybe rub it in here on my blog. LOL

2) My sister is getting married at the end of the year, so I'll be away in Tauranga for a week or so over the Christmas/New Year break. yay! :)

3) meah...actually, not much else exciting news in my world. So hopefully that will tide you all over until I find something remotely interesting to say! lol :)

now if only I could fit into these shoes.... bahhh....

YAY!

2005-04-01T21:49:00.000+12:00

GO HERE! GO HERE NOW!!!!!

Thankyou

2005-03-10T15:38:00.000+13:00

Thankyou God for such awesome friends.

I love you guys.

*GIANT HUGS FOR ALL*

Information for Stalkers

2005-03-01T11:01:00.000+13:00

My 2005 Timetable for those who care :P

=)

Hypnosis Update

2005-02-07T13:29:00.000+13:00

Woah... I need to check my blog more often *grins*

I get on the 'net to day and think "hmm... I wonder if anyone else commented on that last post..." heh.
Well, from the number of responses I've gotten from my post about being hypnotised, I think it is time for an update!

So...

I ended up deciding to go ahead with it, and have had a couple of sessions with my hypnotherapist already. I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting when I first went in there, but there were no watches swinging back and forth in front of my eyes, that's for sure. :)

So far, it's been a kind of meditative excercise: "imagine yourself taking a walk in a forest... you come to a tree. It's beautiful and strong. It reminds you of yourself, you are capable of breaking out of old habits..." etc etc and so on.

Actually, for those like Michelle who were kind of worried it might have an adverse affect on me, all sessions so far have been taped so I can take them home and listen to them :) I know exactly what is being said... as S.A.M mentioned, it's putting you in a dream-like state. My hypnotherapist explained that we actually hypnotise ourselves every single night when we go to sleep! He's trying to change my way of thinking by talking to me when I am at my most relaxed and vulnerable; just like with any painful mental problem, people like me tend to build up a defense around them. I can hear myself in my head sometimes : "I don't care. Not listening. Not listening. No one understands"... blocking out whatever is going on. I become tense and pretty much exude a physical representation of "stubborness" lol!
However, I'm not thinking like that before I go to sleep. I am relaxed, easy to talk to... that's what sleep talking is like, actually. Ever gotten a secret out of a friend while they've been sleeping talking? *grins* That's because they're "hypnotised", in a way. They're open and have let down their defenses, which makes it easy to talk to them.
Hypnosis is the dream-like state you reach right before you go to sleep, where you're still somewhat aware of what's going on around you, still yet to fall into a deep slumber.

Anyhoo, asides from that... for those who have been worried about me, I don't think you should be, though I truly appreciate the concern :) At first I was a bit "eh... hypnosis", but the medical version is quite safe; I can snap myself out of it at anytime if something is going a bit err...wrong. :P heh.

So far, it's just been the "imagine you're taking a walk" kind of meditation, except just to be safe I've added a twist. I kind of make sure I'm still involving God in my "meditative state", if that makes sense...
For example, the hypnotist might be suggesting to me "repeat to yourself, 'you can change'"... instead of saying that, I twist it slightly to: "God, You can change me. I believe You will"
Hopefully that won't mess with it too much, but I'm feeling quite good about it really.

There are some things, like hypnosis, which not everyone will agree on, and I think what it comes down to is your conscience. All Christians should be developing some sort of fellowship with God, and the stronger that gets, I think the stronger that sense of "guilt" can become if you know you shouldn't be doing something. So far, I've had nothing like that. Maybe because I've included God in the sessions? I don't know... but I feel He's with me in any case.

Something I've realised is, if you feel you have to justify something to yourself, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Because you're really justifying it to your conscience, which means your conscience has been giving you a bit of grief. (NB: justifying something to another person is completely different. It's when you're trying to make *yourself* feel better about something, you then have to wonder what it is you're making yourself feel better about :P)
That might not work in every case scenario, but it's what I've found in my own life in anycase...

Anyway. Back to the point. hehehe...

Hypnosis is going well. I'll keep everyone informed of my progress. :) But I think it still comes down to God as well, helping me. So I hope everyone will continue thinking of me in their prayers!

Ciao!
=^_^=

Parachute: From The Mind Of Jess

2005-02-07T13:14:00.000+13:00

PARACHUTE WAS AWESOME!!!!!

I had SO much fun!
I had moments of dehydrated-unwellness, and a horrible rash from the sunscreen, and I got a little bit burnt on the last day... but it was worth it :)

I shall now recount events from my P.O.V for any who care, and so I'll remember what actually happened...lol

BTW, below this post is one I've written as an update to my Hypnosis situation, for those who want to know :)

Thursday 27th Jan

Brehaut and I fly to Auckland. Mike picks us up from airport and drives us to Tauranga, where we stay at his manly bachelor pad next to the beach, for the night. We pick up Ruth on the way. Steve, Jimmy's brother, meets us there.
We stay the night, Ruth and I giggle a lot, then...

Friday 28th Jan

The boys and I pack up, parting ways with Ruth who is going to see a friend, while the rest of us head to Hamilton.
We get there. Wait around for ages in blistering heat, all the while commenting on the stupidity of people not listening to simple instructions such as "stay off the road so the trucks can get through". :P
Finally let through, we "rush" (ie, heft large amounts of heavy tenting gear at a slow snail-pace, including manly grunting and sweating all the while, to our decided campsite).
We set up the tents. Brehaut sets up the one KT and I would be sleeping in, because, well, I'm useless. *grins*
Um I think we then went to Hamilton and got food etc. When I needed someone to put sunscreen on my back, Mike grudgingly complied since all other males seemed too afraid to touch me (apparently there must be something I don't know about Paul). The time for KT to arrive seemed to be far far away....but once she did, she became my sunscreen buddy from then on! LOL :)
After returning to our campsite at Parachute, there was much lounging around, then people going off to see bands. KT showed up around about then I believe...
I was feeling highly unwell so I didn't go to anything that night (I think it must have been a mild case of heat stroke or something). Tried sleeping but apparently the NOISE NEVER STOPS THERE! Argh! I was feeling highly agitated and upset because I had been lying in my tent since about 9pm, and was still awake at 5am :P
*sigh* I can't sleep when there's noise... Luckily...

Saturday 29th Jan

...Jimmy supplied me with earplugs. All nights following Friday night I was out like a light and remembered nothing until the sun hit my face each morning *grins* Ohhh the joy...lol
Anyhoo, once I got out of the tent, Mike, KT and Matt dragged me to this "artzone" tent where we spent the morning painting... that was lots of fun! :) We then also had a go at uhhh I think it was sandstone sculpting? Mike made an awesome, curved, candle-holder, Matt made a roman pillar (?!), I made a dice (die. whatever. :P) and KT...hacked at some pieces of sandstone... 0_0
In stereotypical fashion, KT and I ruled at painting, while Matt and Mike created some manly masterpieces in stone (yeah. tools. *grunt*)
The rest of the day was spent lounging around again and people going off to see various bands. At one point, Brehaut and I went on one of the amusement rides which spun around really fast. Due to the centriPETAL (thanks Brehaut :P) force of the ride, I was very quickly slammed into his side, unable to move, with Brehaut unable to prevent the edge of the seat digging into his ribs, which in turn caused him to emit loud, agonised screams of "my ribs!" or something to that effect... I couldn't hear anything over my laughter. (I'm so cruel.)
Anyhoo, we decided not to go on that ride again since neither of us seemed to be able to walk in a straight line afterwards... heh :P
Ah...rest of afternoon spent baking in the *shade* (yes, it is possible :P) and occasionally wandering around the other displays etc at Parachute...
Oh, as evening came, some conversation started about relationships (what else in Christian circles? *grins*). Some people that weren't tenting with us were there too... um... "Two Sheds" for example. Oh the hilarity! :D
Highlight for me was going to see Audio Adrenaline and Brooke Fraser on the mainstage that night! Audio Adrenaline has some awesome err...adrenaline (har har)-pumping songs, and Brooke Fraser was *so* SWEET! Like, so open and real on stage. And so funny as well! She was even taking the piss out of audience members. It was great *grins*
She mentioned some guy she had seen wandering around Parachute wearing a T-Shirt with her face on it and words saying "Marry Me Brooke!"... the guy was at the concert (obviously :P) and was near the front (duh :P) jumping up and down when he heard this. She saw him and said "oh, was that you? How cute... and...creepy."
Ahhh, the burnination was beautiful! :D So that went on until, like, midnight... then more general hanging out back at the tents until finally everyone went to bed.

Bad Point: obviously non-christian tent-neighbours :P Language obscene... I was gratefully not close enough to hear subject matter of their conversations, though Mike and Brehaut vehemently agree it was highly disgusting. Ew. :P
Bad sunscreen rash was developing on my arms. At least...I think that's what it was 0_0

Sunday 30th Jan

YEAH! Jazz Showcase! We all know where I was Sunday midday! *grins* Actually, everyone else came too which was cool. Charmaine Ford was awesome. I've always wanted to have a jazz piano trio like that...
One day I hope to put one together, just so I can call us "Jesse and the Jazzcatz" (JesseandtheJazzcatz©2005... no stealing my idea! :P)
Anyway, after sweltering in the heat again (I'm so bringing a girly-girl parasol next time!) we lounged around some more back at the tent-site... then Brehaut and I went to see:

P-66! The coolest band at Parachute! Or at least close to it! They were a unique blend of Acid Jazz Funk Rap! And they were FANTASTIC! I almost felt like crying when I heard that they had no album, didn't intend to make one, might be breaking up, and thought it might have been their last concert cause their rap-artist was going overseas :P Oh, that hurt me. Honestly, so much of the same stuff gets churned out these days, and they had something really unique and fresh!
They could have been great. They were great. But they could have been fantabulously better... particularly if they had an album I could buy and listen to over and over and over and over and over and over... :D heheh
This will be one of my top memories of Parachute '05. P-66. God Bless those guys...

Anyhoo, after the brilliance that was P-66 it was more hanging out around the tents in the stifling heat until it was time to go see Magnify and Hillsong United. They were cool! So much good music... so many albums to buy...so little money.... dangit :P

When we got back from Magnify, Brehaut and I went on another of the amusement rides, this one being decently enjoyable. You got to go upside down... it was like a rollercoaster that just went in a vertical loop over and over, backwards and forwards :D It was great fun... Or I found it fun at least. I don't think Brehaut appreciated it when we were hung upside and he was pretty much sitting on his head...but oh well. :D (You're too tall for your own good!!!!)

After this it was about time to go see.....dun dun dunnn.... THIRD DAY!!!!!
That was brilliant. It was the culmination of Parachute '05 really. The place was packed out. We tried going a bit early to get seats, but no such luck :P It was great... being a newbie Christian I hadn't actually heard Third Day before, so I was highly stoked that I got to see them live... however, I didn't stay for the whole act because I was feeling unwell again from the heat, so I went back to the tent half-way through... I didn't mind though really, I got to see a bit of them, took some photos and when I get the chance I shall buy one of their albums... in fact, I've nicked off with one from work to listen to. I might buy it next time I'm at work :)
They had an awesome stage presence. And light show. *grins*
So, I snuggled down into my sleeping bag on my continously deflating lilo, plugged up my ears, and didn't remember anything until I opened my eyes the next morning...

Monday 31st Jan

Nothing much to report here. People lazing around a little bit, wandering around the Parachute sights... then most of the time was spent packing up the gear and waiting around. Luckily, this time Mike could get the car into the camping ground, so we didn't have to lug the gear back up that awful, awful hill... :P
So, shoved everything away, said goodbye to some people, then Mike, Matt, Brehaut, KT and I piled into Mike's car and drove away from the awesome weekend at Parachute '05! I SO want to go back next year! It was great fun! Not to say the fun didn't end there though...
The drive back to Tauranga was good. Mike stopped off at a swimming hole and we went swimming in frigid water next to a waterfall. Lots of fun... with lots of great memories of Brehaut reaching out to help me get across a rock in the water, only causing me to fall in and getting soaked to my waist *grins* And then KT having a similar incident... and Brehaut scrambling like a fool to regain his footing on a rock he decided he could jump to with ease. Oh how wrong he was. LOL

Anyhoo, lots of awesome photos I'll be sure to post on here when I get a chance! I was upset though, because I hadn't realised I had run out of film when we got to the waterfalls and it was so beautiful there! Matt got some shots though, so he's been well and truly threatened to suffer at my hands if I do not get copies of the ones he took there! lol...

Well, eh... after that, we all continued the drive back to Mike's bachelor pad, where I pretty much got back into my togs and had a swim at the beach. Quite refreshing really... but the waves were really strong and I kept getting pulled out further than I wanted to be, so I got out after a short time.

Anyhoo, then some good ol' relaxing in the proper shade of a proper house (rather than the blistering heat of Parachute in almost equally blistering heat of what was deemed "shade"), with a BBQ and the movie Lilo and Stitch. This was hilariously funny and has resulted in the continous repetition of the phrase "so cute and fluffy" in a Stitch voice. If I have confused you, I suggest watching this movie. It's actually a really good laugh, even though it's supposed to be for children. *grins*
Though, if you keep up with my blog, I suppose that suits my personality, right? heheh ~_~

Well, a nice night at Mike's place, then...

Tuesday 1st Feb

Brehaut and I parted ways with the others, and drove off in the early morning with Mike's Dad, who kindly took us back to Auckland so we could catch our plane back to Christchurch. :) On the way we stopped at an AWESOME cafe called "Woodturners" and it was soooo beautiful there. I'd love to go back there again. Hint, hint and not so subtle hint. ;) They had animals around the place, a horse, a MINIATURE horse! and two donkeys, and pigs... and roaming free in the gardens were chickens, a rooster, other birds and a GORGEOUS cat which lay next to me on the bench I was sitting on, at our table. I fed it cream from the chocolate cake I indulged in (yummy!) :) It liked that :) I made a new friend! yay! ~_~
I went to their bathroom at one stage... it was outside but in no way an "outhouse"... it was covered in grapevines and filled with light... it had a mosaic floor and mirror, with old-fashioned taps and stuff... it was so pretty!
And Brehaut was seemingly impressed with the coffee, so I guess that gives it a 5-star rating in that case! lol :)

Anyhoo, the flight home was pretty uneventful... a brief stop over in Wellington. Apparently my harmonica looks like machine-gun bullets through the x-ray machine thingee... and there was a guy who volunteered to hand out the lollies before landing whom Brehaut and I are pretty sure is gay...
He was wearing a "SAN FRANCISCO" t-shirt with a rainbow on, and...well... he was obviously in his thirties, and had willingly volunteered to hand out the lollies, and seemed quite excited by the prospect :P
heheh.

Um..other random memories:

1) The spider that crawled in my bed the first day. I'm sure everyone outside my tent found my cries of "ah! KILL IT!" and subsequent sounds of a shoe hitting the ground highly amusing.
That would happen to me. :P
2) The "touchdown!" signs people were meant to hold up at the Political Forum when they agreed with an idea. Brehaut and the others ripped them up so they said "ouch!". I took a picture of this which I will post on here when it is developed *grins*
3) Two-Sheds. In general. :D But mostly his graphic descriptions of what to do when bleeding from a major artery... I'm losing the feeling in my limbs thinking about it... :P
4) Mike's ride on the amusement rollercoaster and the... unfortunate... events following. :P

So... that's my experience of Parachute '05 if anyone wanted to know. I thought I should write it down for myself anyway, because I'm bound to forget what happened... people ask me what it was like and I always end up saying something along the lines of "I had a great time but uhhh... I can't actually remember why." :P
I'm shocking. lol.

Asides from that, not much else going on in the life of Jess. I've been working, trying to organise my uni courses and generally attempting to catch up on bits and pieces I never seem to quite get finished...8/ Oh, and occassionally swimming in the pool. tee hee! I love summer!!!!! :D

=^_^=

Hypnosis Hassles

2005-01-18T18:57:00.000+13:00

Just a few things to say before I get to the main point of this post:

1) Parachute in a couple of weeks! :D Are you going to ring me or what, KT? :)

2) I'M GOING TO EUROPE IN JUNE! As I mentioned in my last post, my mother and sister are going and I was trying to make a decision as to whether or not I would join them. I have decided I will, and am quite excited by the prospect... however, there goes the few thousand dollars I've saved; half of it will be on this trip, the rest is being sucked down by the fact that:

3) I'm going to uni this year! :D So I'm sure I'll see some of you around. Most of my courses are still based at the polytechnic, but I will be taking Composition II on the university campus :)
I was quite stoked that they put me in Composition II... they said that my musical background was enough to get me in. Even though I was at jazz schoool, composition there is vastly different to the stuff that goes on at university. All I had were some compositions from bursary in highschool, and apparently they were good enough to warrant me just being placed in Composition II at university! So, good warm fuzzies all around for that ~_~ yay!

Anyhoo, now for the main point of this post which I'm sure will have snagged your attention if you read the title...

Hypnosis. What are your views people? And why am I asking?...

I've decided to try, once again, to face my sitiophobia fears... and my mother made an appointment for me to see a psychologist, who has suggested hypnotherapy.
Why? Nothing else has worked with me... but the question is, from a Christian standpoint, how safe is it?

His reasoning was very persuasive and he made a good argument. Hypnosis does have a lot of bad publicity with it, which I don't think necessarily makes it "evil"... I mean, there are some people who think any type of illness is demonic, and if we're going to go down that path then I must be possessed already considering my eating disorder :P

The thing is, it's one of the only options left to me I think. I could try past methods again, but hypnotherapy has been proven to be one of the most effective...

Of course, being effective doesn't necessarily make it a good thing.

Meditation also used to be branded quite evil as well, if I remember correctly, though I know it's become a more common practice among some Christians to "meditate with God" today. It's like... Christianity with a "holy" new age-y twist, if that makes sense...

I'm probably going to stir up quite a debate in saying stuff like that, but that's what I'm hoping. I have an appointment next week to possibly start being hypnotised, people! And I'm wondering whether or not that's such a good idea? What is it exactly that Christians are so against when it comes to hypnosis?

I mean, in the use it has that you see on TV with people thinking they are chickens and what not, that's quite stupid. In fact my psychologist said it was insulting to his profession...

So...

Hypnosis as a treatment for my sitiophobia?

What are your views?

Art thou so affected?

2005-01-08T21:02:00.000+13:00

Today I bought $80 worth of artistic equipment (including canvas and oil paints, etc) for no other reason than... I felt like it. :D

I think the shopping gene that runs down the female side of my family has finally reared its ugly head in my own personality...

At least I wasn't buying clothes! :P

I'm sure I'll get around to using them eventually. When my life is less hectic... oh man, that's never gonna happen... *sigh*

LOL nah... but I probably won't use them 'til the weather clears up... if it does. I find bad weather like this REALLY depressing. And I mean that very seriously. The weather affects my moods so much there are days I just simply don't feel like I can cope because the sky is so dark and cloudy.

I've been hanging out for summer so much, and is it here yet? NO! *pouts*

My mother and sister are going to Europe about July this year. They asked if I wanted to go with them. If this "summer" continues on in this rainy fashion, I think I will. Because I can't actually cope without warm sunny days. And I truly mean that! I feel like crap right now because it's raining outside, and I feel like pulling my hair out because I am going INSANE from not seeing the sun. And the two or three days we've had a LITTLE bit of sun, I've been working and stuck inside! URGH!

IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO BE THIS PALE I TELL YOU!

*ahem* Anyway, I'm pretty good asides from that dark cloud hanging over my head (har har).... (yes that was intentional)... (no I don't think I'm hilarious)...

In other news...

I have enlarged my Christian music selection of my CD collection to about 6 CDs now. I know, pretty sad amount, but I haven't been around in Christian circles long enough to get into the music side of things, y'know?

Which is pretty stupid really, because you know what I've realised?
Okay, so everyone has different ways of...how do I put it... spending time with God? Getting to know their Creator?

Well, after all this time- and seriously, brace yourselves for my stupidity - I've realised that the times I feel closest to God are when I'm listening to worship music.

Considering I'm a musician, it's highly embarrassing that it has taken me THIS long, to realise that!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so silly sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time.

Okay, in fact I only occasionally make sense. :D

Anyhoo, I have Jess-things to go take care of; so adieu my dear readers, until next time.

=^_^=

Yay! Christmas! :)

2004-12-25T11:04:00.000+13:00

Yeah, it's Christmas Day and I'm posting. lol!

Go figure.

I have a family thing to go to at my brother's place in a couple of hours, but in the meantime I thought I'd be a geek and get on the internet *grins*

With today being Christmas Day I FINALLY have my day off from work, and thankfully I'm not working Boxing Day or Monday either! YAY!

Yesterday was INSANE at work. I can't emphasize that enough! We did TWICE our target budget, so you can imagine how busy we were! Paddy, one of my coworkers (lovely Irish name, eh?), said I reminded him of a whirlwind... I was moving too fast to follow: jumping from one customer to the next. I was on automatic pilot- there just really wasn't time to think, it was that busy.

I was stoked as well because, well, first I have to mention that our banking has been out by $150 CASH over the past few days and we were all stumped what happened to the money because we are all very seriously trustworthy people at our store. Then it suddenly occurred to me: at home, I have these drawers that are stuffed so full that things fall out the back and get stuck in the small space behind the drawer...

The till was overflowing because of how busy we were and I thought "bingo!" and clicked the entire drawer out of the till, maneuvering my hand into the small space behind only to find....dun dun daaahhhh....the missing $150 in notes, caught in the mechanisms at the back!!!! muahaha. I think our manager was so happy she could have cried, because being down by that much money meant we would have been in SO much trouble, that we can't even imagine what head office would do to us :P

So yeah, that made me feel good :)

The only other thing I think I'll mention before I head off, is actually the entire reason I came on to my blog in the first place today:

People, yesterday on Christmas Eve at work I was asked a question that has officially topped my "Stupid Questions Customers Ask Me" list!!!!!!

I'd just like to remind everyone that I work in a music store selling CDs etc...:

Customer: "Do you develop film here?"

... :P

It Came Out From Under A Rock...

2004-12-21T21:04:00.000+13:00

I figured I should post again. It's been awhile and I know several people have been wondering what has happened to my blog.

Well, I'm still alive. heheh.

I was hoping these Christmas holidays I could hang out and relax... work on my music. Practice and all that good stuff, but no.

I truly didn't want to work. I told them only if they needed me... and now?

I haven't had a day off (that's INCLUDING the weekend!) since Monday LAST week! This current week I am working 10-8pm each day. Wednesday and Thursday I have gigs straight after that.

The current chant in my head is this: "My life is not my own. I am an automaton."

Retail. Gah.

I dislike customers that start off the interaction with "hi, how are you?", because you know they don't care. The most amusing ones are the people who say that, then launch straight into what they want without actually giving you a chance to answer. I have to wonder about this so-called human "etiquette" sometimes! lol

Anyway. Yeah. That's what happens when you work in retail. Even if you don't *want* to work, you end up being called in because of the Christmas rush. It figures. However, at least in not having a day off up until Christmas day, I have managed to get out of working on Boxing Day, and the day after. Hurrah!

...
My band is going well. We're getting so serious that we are organising contracts and finances to better establish ourselves. Cool :) In fact, watch this space people! We have a website being developed as I type this, and once it's all up online I shall post the URL to it. I expect everyone to spread the word! *grins*

In any case, I better get going now. I have Christmas presents to wrap.

Random Facts About Jesse-Em's Life For Those Who Care:

1) My Dad's brother John (my uncle of course) is currently staying with us, visiting the family. I think he's here for Christmas. I only found this out today. When I got home. And found him in the kitchen.

... guess that is what happens when you've been so busy you haven't seen your parents much *grins*

2) I'M GOING TO PARACHUTE! Anyone else going to join in the festivities? I'm flying up with Brehaut and tenting with Katherine, which should be a bundle of laughs! tee hee hee.... we shall keep everyone up all night with our musical geekness and girly giggling muahahaha *cough*... :D Oh, and just to warn everyone, I am bringing my funky gee-tarrr!!!! phwoar! Maybe my blues-harps ("harmonicas" for you uneducated people *looks down nose in mock disdain*) just so I can keep everyone up at midnight with that timeless blues riff...

dun da da da dun

I gots da blues

dun da da da dun

coz y'all are asleep

dun da da da dun

so I'm gonna play ma harps

dun da da da dun

'coz I'm a music-geeeeekkkkkk

ohhhhhh yeah.....

3) Speaking of which... hopefully I can make her New Year party.... I'm not sure. I have a gig New Year's Eve but I don't know at what time/ for how long. Would be cool if some people could come watch for awhile though :)

Anyhoo... present-wrapping time! muahahahahah... :D Oh! WE HAVE FAIRY LIGHTS OUTSIDE! They're so pretty! :) Just so you know *grins*

Ouch!

2004-11-23T21:29:00.000+13:00

Hello?

*silence*

Anybody out there?

*voice echoes*

Well, I thought I'd finally get around to posting again on my blog, even if no one else is :p I guess since it's the holidays now, no one has a need to procrastinate anymore...lol!

In any case, I'm hilariously bored right now, so I thought I would amuse myself with my blog. hmmm....

I had my wisdom teeth out today. Hence the boredom- there's not a lot a drugged up, bed-ridden 19 year old girl can do to past the time...
My mouth is pretty sore. Understandably, I'd like to think! heh.... at least it was pretty uncomplicated. I was in and out fairly quickly, even though I was having all four removed. Being young, they hadn't grown roots in my mouth yet so they were pretty easy to take out.

I guess the time passed quicker too because I was heavily sedated... not just the local anaesthetic in my mouth, but I had an I.V in my arm as well.

Needless to say, Paul found me pretty amusing when he came to get me from the surgeon's...
I have a vague memory of stumbling out into the waiting room with him holding me up and me giggling....

I'm not entirely sure. Might have to ask Paul about my generally incoherent state....

The I.V had me so well sedated that I don't remember much at all about the actual surgery other than bright lights, biting down on something, and random drilling noises (they took the teeth out in bits. I'm sure you are all loving the details. Haha!).... and after that I haven't really had a clear memory of the day until about 2 o'clock in the afternoon. My surgery was at 10am :P

...mouth still hurts though. Urgh. It's just this horrible stiff, uncomfortable aching sensation- not overly painful because I've been taking several drugs to ease that... it's just the general discomfort that's annoying.

Eck.

Anyhoo, past couple of weeks have been interesting since finishing Jazz School for the year... I'm pretty sure I've passed everything, if only by the skin of my teeth in some areas... But at least I'm done. heheh.

The amusing thing is, I plan to practice now that Jazz School is *over*.... oh the irony! It's just that I was busy with other assignments etc... Something always gets ignored in the Jazz School course because it's such a hectic subject to study. If your marks are brilliant in performance, you are bound to be repeating other subjects such as theory or history. Myself however, I've always been brought up to do the academic side of things first. Which is reflected in my general 90% average over aforementioned subjects :P yet getting much lower marks in my practical playing...
And the thing is, though I don't plan to major in Performance, I still like to play, and without the added stress of being marked on it... it's a lot more enjoyable. I can work on the things I *want* to work on! :)

Anyhoo, my mouth is aching a lot so I think I might hightail it to bed. Not much more to say really other than I've just been working at Sounds, and playing with my band. Hopefully I'll get to work on all my originals now it's the holidays. Maybe record them. That's the goal anyway....

Oh, and generally have an awesome Christmas :)

Hope to see everyone at Christmas in the Park! ~_~ Also, feel free to drop by my place for a swim... the pool is now 30 degrees! Tee hee!

Ciao!

=^_^=

"Tricksey" Tutors!

2004-11-07T15:28:00.000+13:00

Grrrr, so, I've been inside all day doing transcriptions for my Ear-Training class. I was dreading doing the last assignment because I had to write down three horn parts as well as the chords that were being played on this recording...

So. I always tackle the melody lines first cause the chords are harder to hear- and sometimes you can use the notes in the melody to figure out the chords logically. Anyhoo- got the horn lines down alright... but I really hate transcribing chords. Particularly when they're JAZZ chords, which have all kinds of unusual notes in them :P And here is our tutor Cameron saying this last assignment is the culmination of all our work this year and everyone thinks it's the hardest one to do.

You know what? Five bars into the piece and I figured out the damn thing is only a BLUES!!!!! The CHORDS are a SIMPLE 12-BAR BLUES! :P :P :P :P

Damn tricksey tutors!... :P It's one of those ones where it appears really hard, but on closer inspection, you've had the wool pulled over your eyes :P Kudos to our tutor Cameron. I wonder how many people will still struggle to figure out the chords? *grins* You'd be surprised! Most people have been anticipating this to be harder than it actually was.

Eh. At least I can go and enjoy a little bit of sun now- woo! Done! Now I only have to do my Improv chapters, and general study for exams :D...though, that still means a lot of work... *frowns*

Aye well, back to work. Outside. Where it's sunny. :P Mmmmm......

Do A Little Dance...:D

2004-11-02T16:44:00.000+13:00

Yay!

I had my last Performance Assessment for the year today! I AM SO GLAD IT IS OVER!!!! I could almost cry... *grins*
In fact, I was so panicky about this one, I didn't even have time to come on here and panic on my blog! LOL There are four assessments in the year, and each is worth more than the last:
10%, 20%, 30%, and 40%

So this last one was worth a horrible 40% of my performance mark. :P

I stuffed up the first song too :p Not good :P But it went fine after that... So hopefully I should be okay. I think I'm going to *just* get through by the skin of my teeth. It's just good that I don't plan on majoring in Performance next year. See, there are two separate pass marks- the first one is at 60%, if you just plan to either a) get the diploma or b) if crossing over in the degree, you're majoring in Arranging. The OTHER pass mark, is 65%... that's for the people who want to do their degree, majoring in Performance.
I'm sitting at around about 62%, so it's a good thing I never had any intention to do Performance next year :P Otherwise I'd be repeating second year performance, and that's the LAST thing I want to do!!!!! :P Heh- heh, so, because I knew I wanted to major in Arranging, I never bothered to practice much *sheepish*... so in reality, the marks I've been given have been pretty damn good for how little effort I put *grins*

In fact, if I *have* actually managed to pass this year, then that means it's quite possible that I'll NEVER HAVE TO DO A PERFORMANCE ASSESSMENT AGAIN! HUZZAH! :D

Don't get me wrong. I love playing.
In front of audiences. :P
When you're being marked by professionals, it's a whole other ball game :P Cause you know they are sitting there, listening for your mistakes, critiquing your technique etc.

The great thing about general audiences is, they never notice when you screw up (unless it's so bad that you stop playing or something and make hideous faces over it :P lol), so I'm a lot more relaxed like that.

I just hate being marked on it. And to be honest, I just can't handle the stress.
Mother-dearest bought me this random stuff called "Rescue Remedy" which is some kind of anti-anxiety formula that you spray into your mouth and is absorbed into your bloodstream.

I sprayed that damn thing like 50 times and I was STILL FREAKING OUT!!!!! :P

Honestly, I think it'd be a very interesting experience to be attached to a heart-monitor etc etc in the few minutes preceding my assessment, and during it :P

I must burn off a lot of calories when I'm anxious, cause DAMN I was hungry afterwards! LOL

Anyhoo, I'm just glad that's over, and it's such a weight off my shoulders! My last few posts have been about the amount of work I have to do, but with Performance Assessment out of the way, I'm feeling a lot more confident about being able to finish the rest of my work in time. :)

Anyhoo, just to make sure that I *do* finish on time, I better get off here and start working on those last couple of assignments I have! heh :D

Ciao!

J.E =^_^=

Home and Hell

2004-10-27T20:20:00.000+13:00

Rightio. Am back from Queenstown :)
The Jazz Festival was AWESOME!... I might go again next year, who knows :) Perhaps then I'll actually be old enough to get into the Casino Jazz Jam! :P :P :P :P Four months off being 20 years old, and they wouldn't let me in *sigh* And it was the finale of the festival too! All the musicians jamming together in the Casino, and I missed it! BAH!!!!! BAH I SAY! :P

*cough* Anyhoo, I'd write more, but to refer you to a couple of posts ago... I'm exceedingly busy right now. In fact, I think the only way I'm going to get all this work done is to not sleep :P *groans* I'm going to die a slow horrible death from jazz school work. This is my idea of hell on earth.
At least this small glimpse of hell has given me enough incentive to stay in God's good books *grins* ;)
J/K... heheh ~_~ Though did anyone see the new Simpsons episode tonight? Oh man, I was rolling on the floor in tears... I just loved Ned Flanders trying to envision the bible, which then sprouts womanly arms and legs, doing a strip dance.... The BIBLE! I cracked up so hard... heh. Probably shouldn't. There are bound to be people out there who would find it blasphemous...

I just thought it was hilarious. Oh- hey! Brehaut! Did you see the bit with the professor dancing with the robot-lady? *grins* Ahhh hail the geeks! tee hee! :D

Anyhoo, better get back to work... *pulls headphones over ears and continues transcribing Oscar Peterson solos*

Oh BTW- good luck to everyone for their exams! Just two more weeks and it will all be over! God Bless! I'll be praying for you all :)

Much Love and Hugs!

J.E =^_^=

Au Revoir

2004-10-21T23:35:00.000+13:00

See ya! :)

For those of you who don't know (and haven't read my last couple of posts), I'll be in Queenstown this weekend for the Queenstown Jazz Festival.
I really should be in bed right now, since we're *supposedly* leaving at 8:30am in the morning, however we're all musicians, and the likeliness of any of the people in my band getting up before midday is highly unlikely. lol.

heh. J/k...sort of... :S :P

Still. I actually am extremely tired right now, but I haven't packed because I've been too busy.
Once again the night owl hours continue *sigh*

In any case, yeah- see ya 'round next week. I'll be back Monday evening.
My cellphone shall be on if you any of you feel the need to text me, which would be cool :) Hope you all enjoy your labour weekend! Au Revoir!

*trundles off to pack bags*

=^-^=

...Watch as the Panic Sets In:

2004-10-19T22:24:00.000+13:00

Today I came to the startling realisation of just how much work I have to do in the next two weeks, and I'm currently not sure I'll be able to pull it off. I'm cursing my bad memory because half the songs I need to know I've forgotten, and I am in a state of panic.
Apparently I have to do *three* songs for this last Performance Assessment (instead of two dangit)- which is worth 40% might I add!- and I'm so freaked out by how much stuff I need to get done between now and then that for a brief few seconds I ACTUALLY considered purposefully breaking my hand to avoid this assessment :P

Yes, I'm psycho, I know. But I wouldn't actually do it, lol. heh. Just slightly disturbing that the thought crossed my mind though :S *ahem* anyhoo...moving on...

Um, yeah. Stress. Because it's not just Performance Assessment. If that's all I had to do, I'd be cruising along practising. But I have two more assignments for history, two more assignments for Ear-Training (oh excuse me, THREE if you include the singing test, which does require some practice. heh...), five transcriptions of solos for Improvisation... and plus general study for exams :P

Two weeks to do that all in. Really just a week and a couple of days, because I'll be away in Queenstown this weekend for the Jazz Festival down there... and although I plan to take work with me, the chances of me getting much down are very slim *sigh*

I'm afraid I am very very seriously hanging on by the skin of my teeth. If anyone out there is still reading my blog please please please pray for me.... I feel like crying right now. *sigh*

Away I go to try and sleep...there are long days ahead of me. :S

Wow! :D

2004-10-18T22:06:00.000+13:00

OMIGOSH!

Have had THE best day with the most exciting news this evening! *grins*

To recap my day:

Well, Improv. class was once AGAIN cancelled, but I decided to look at it in a positive light and think "wow, I'm actually out of bed in the morning! Perhaps I can use this time constructively?" :P heh, so I took care of several little chores that needed to be done, oh that reminds me, I need to get my laundry out of the stupid washing machine...

*runs away*

*back* Ahhh I love indoor drying racks. muaha... *ahem* Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah...

So, Improv... then Ear-Training class in the afternoon in which I *actually* managed to sing my altered and locrian scales correctly...though that blasted Whole Tone scale needs work. Honestly, has anyone else tried to sing that one out there? It's much easier going up than down! grhhhh and they make EVERYONE do it! I feel sorry for the drummers. tee hee. The singers SO have an advantage though! :P

Anyway, I keep getting sidetracked (what can I say? It's that time of night, lol) so ahhh yeah. Ear-Training was good, then I had Theory in which Bob decided to drag me up the front again and accompany him while he showed us stuff on the guitar. Although he kept putting me on the spot, like suddenly yelling out things like "play C13 sus with a sharp 9" (for those of you who play triad chords, I'm sure that has completely screwed with your heads. :P) it was good practice, and I kinda enjoyed myself. More fun than sitting at a desk doodling in my diary and not paying attention. That's for sure. hehe ;)

Anyway, after that, I was REALLY happy because everyone ACTUALLY SHOWED UP TO MY ARRANGING REHEARSAL! WOW! :D We had our second major arranging assignment to do this year, which involved composing a piece in a style of your choice, for rhythm section and two lead instruments. You then have to get a band together and perform it on a set day.

Problem is, trying to get the band together :P I swear if I don't die from junk food intake, I'm sure I'll die from a stroke due to the stress of chasing after musicians and getting them to play in my assessment. Oh, not to mention them actually playing THE RIGHT NOTES!!!!...

Which was one issue I had today. It came together rather nicely in the end, though the saxophonist still was playing the tune out of time... :S
Honestly, is it really that hard to count 6/8 as a 3/4 time signature? For the musos out there: Instead of (1,2,3) (4,5,6) in two beats, It was counted as (1,2) (3,4) (5,6) in groups of two. IT'S NOT THAT HARD!

Okay, admittedly I was being a bit of a smarty-pants *grins* with all the "complicated" things I put into the piece- but I've been writing music since I was 11 years old. That's when I wrote and recorded my first song (y'know, ironically, on a bit of a tangent....my first song was called "Heaven"....hmmm... I wonder if I could locate the music somewhere?...) and I actually started to write a symphony when I was 16 years old. Okay, so a bit ambitious LOL, but seriously- the only reason I didn't finish it is because of the amount of work I had on! Still the same reason these days too *grumbles*, which is why I want to go back to Jazz School part time next year so I can really do some composing. I'm actually going INSANE from not writing stuff. It truly feels like an itch I can't scratch. And I find it upsetting. :P

But yeah, okay, try and get myself back on track again... hehehe...
So, it came together alright in the end- just needs one more rehearsal to tidy it up (am hoping and praying everyone shows up for THAT one too! heh) and then perform it on Thursday. I was quite pleased because the musos that are playing it for me said it sounded really good, and was actually fun to play (which I was kinda aiming for! yay! ~_~)... I think people find the title amusing though.

I've called it "40 Years in the Desert". Yes, the allusion is what you think it is *grins*
Don't ask me why, I could come up with a billion intelligent reasons, but the reality is the name just kinda popped into my head. The tune has an arabic kind of sound, which made me think of Egypt (stop laughing Paul :P) and a part of my brain was thinking about the bible/God at the same time, as ya do, and it just...mushed together in my head and came out with that title :)

Part of me though feels that I should be dedicating my music to God. He gave me the gift, naturally I should give it back.
Plus, I had a bit of a block about how to start this one, and I prayed about it and then suddenly BANG! musical genius!!!!!!!! :D So I really have to give God the credit for this one! lol :)

Okay, um, I managed to get sidetracked again *cough*

ANYHOO, yeah. So, the rehearsal went well... came home and crashed... and then this evening I get a phone call from NEILL PICKARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This name probably means nothing to most of you, but he was the head of the jazz school last year, and now teaches jazz history both at jazz school and university, along with about a billion other things because he's just one of those awesome "world-wise" kind of professors, if you know the type I mean...
Well, it's a big thing he called me because if you get a call from someone like Neill, you're in...
"The Circle"!
What circle is this I hear you ask? Well, little do most outsiders know, but the jazz school pretty much works on the structure of a hierarchy; it can be very elitist.

A lot of companies etc, when wanting to hire a jazz band, will work straight through the jazz school. The jazz school then hires out either the tutors, or the "favourite" students. I'm not saying these students don't deserve the gigs (although on the basis of some of their attitudes, maybe not :p) because the jazz school gives the gigs to the best players they have (naturally they want to give off a good image and keep up the reputation of the place). But, there are other good players at jazz school and the gigs always get given to the same people- to the extent that, seriously...
you haven't really understood the term "Teacher's Pet" until you've seen the treatment of the students who are given these gigs!

Anyhoo, that's another story. Point is, THIS IS THE REASON NEILL CALLED ME! :D

He called to give me a gig. ME! I've never been approached by the jazz school before...
I swear, I was absolutely dumbstruck. And the thing is, it's not just a one-off either!

It's a weekly gig at a golf club from 7-9pm. Solo piano work!

Yeah, I was definitely dumbstruck. I mean, there are third year pianists they could choose, who would be much better than me because, well, they're third years! :P
I told Neill so.
All he had to say in response is that he had talked to Doug (my piano tutor) and they both agree that I was a good choice.
Go figure. Maybe I don't suck as much as I thought :P
I definitely think God is somewhere in this, so kudos to the Big Man Upstairs! :D
*yells upward* THANKS GOD!

I mean, seriously, I just can't get over that *I* was called for something like that! A permanent (or semi-permanent. Possibly just over the summer, whatever...) gig! Not just a one off....and they called ME?!?!

...yeah I'm still reeling from it. I quite seriously don't see why I've been chosen. There are much better pianists than me, but I suppose they look at everything overall. And it's good experience to improve... they also know I'm reliable, with a friendly attitude, so that helps I guess.

But still, I'm incredibly...surprised...awed in fact, that I have been deemed fit to be in "The Circle". Not that I really care about "The Circle" (as I have named it *grins*), but hey, I'm getting a gig out of it. Whoopee!

I love solo piano time. It's great fun.

Of course, after all that, I don't know whether or not I'll actually GET the gig, I still have to ring the guy at the golf club and talk to him about it...

I'm just pleased that I was asked by Neill. I feel quite honoured about it all really- cause as I keep saying, there are many great pianists out there. And I'm just stoked that he thinks I'm good enough to do a *solo* piano gig that's a fairly permanent residency at a fairly high-class golf club! Go figure.

...Love You God! Wow, the opportunities You bring into my life are just amazing. Whether or not You would have this happen is another story, but I don't mind. Your Will, Your Way. I'm happy however it goes.

I'm just pleased I was even asked :)

It's a Happy Day... ;)

2004-10-13T16:33:00.000+13:00

Mr Sun, Sun, Mr Golden Sun...please shine down on meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Oh Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! Today feels like Summer and it's Beauuuuuuutiful outside! :D
I have thousands of things I should be doing, but how can I feel stressed in this kind of weather? *grins*

So. What's happening in the world of Jess I hear you ask? Afterall, why else are you visiting my blog (YOU FOOL! muaha!)? :D

Well, I'm excited/nervous/stressing out (okay, I lied before, I'm still stressing in this weather... just it hasn't really affected my happy-happy mood *grins*) because I'm going to Queenstown Labour weekend (two weeks away). Why is Queenstown so stressful? Well, I'm going because it's the Queenstown Jazz Festival over labour weekend and my band is playing several gigs in it. :) Some of the best jazz players from around the world will be there and I'm quite nervous because I mean...our band is good, but two of our usual players won't be there so we have two people standing in for them, and although we're good... we're not as good as other people playing there, that's for sure. :S

I just have to breathe and remind myself I've only been doing this for...not even two years... and they've been doing it for twenty :P heh.

Caught up with Josie for once at Jazz School today. She's an old Girls' High friend who is at Jazz School too (in first year) and it's very interesting to hear about what's been going on with the old crowd I used to hang out with in high-school, since she still sees them a lot.

It's weird, because... I never really felt like I fit in with them back then, and even though I actually have no major urge to be buddy-buddy with any of them these days (because I don't have much in common with them... they like to go out clubbing and drinking heaps, which isn't my scene) I feel kind of hurt that none of them have bothered to keep in contact with me. Talking to Josie...she's told me all these things going on: parties, holiday plans and I'm sitting here thinking... why wasn't I invited? Because you can't tell me that it's because I'm at polytech and they are at uni or something. There are people that are working full time from the old crowd that are in the center of that clique, even though they don't see each other much. I understand not being invited to the close friends' stuff, but the massive parties they hold? I may have no interest in what they do, but they're fun people to hang out with sometimes.

And I confuse myself, because in reality, I don't want to have much to do with them, simply because we have different interests (they're still nice people). But when I learn that I've been excluded from things, even though I probably wouldn't have gone to them anyway (eg, pub crawls :p), for some reason, I still feel hurt by it.

Rejection.

No matter what it is, whether or not it's something you would or wouldn't do, someone you do or don't like... being ignored by them... being rejected, still hurts. And to be blunt, I get pissed off at myself for feeling that, when in reality I really don't want to hang out with them anymore anyway! :P
I never felt I fit in with those people. I feel like I belong when I'm with my jazz mates, or more importantly, my christian friends... yet some part of me still feels hurt by being dropped like that so easily, even though I really shouldn't care.

*shrugs* Anyhoo, I think there is always a part of me that will feel kinda paranoid too about whether or not people genuinely like me. I got badly bullied in Form 1 and 2, just before highschool and since then I've always had the feeling people put up with me, rather than want to be around me. I'm better about it now, but sometimes Jazz School doesn't help, when you play a crap solo in combo and everyone else just glances at each other, with "the look" yet act like you're great. :P

Today I left combo feeling really crappy about my playing and I got that feeling when I left the room that they were talking about it. They probably weren't, but still... stupid feeling :P heh.

Anyhoo, I should stop- it sounds like I'm really unhappy right now, when I'm not. That's just stuff that has happened today, but... you get over it. And it's such a sunny day, how can I not be in a good mood, regardless? :)

Oh, one awesome thing I found out today though, is that the combo groups have been changed around and TOM IS NOW MY TUTOR! *stars in eyes* Tom is SO awesome! A brilliant pianist AND bassist with such incredible ears he can listen to something once and will know every single note that is being played. And I'm *not* exaggerating! Is that scary or what?! :P Anyhoo, he's really good at helping you move in the right direction, telling you what's bad AND what's good, and how to make it better... :D best kind of teacher! :) Doug Caldwell, my major study piano-tutor only ever says "That's good Jess, keep doing that" when I *KNOW* there is much room for improvement! *sigh* It's exceedingly unhelpful.
So. At least I've got Tom in combos this term, cause he can show me what I'm doing wrong, how to play better, fun interesting tidbits... he stopped to show me something during the year and I swear I learnt more from him in those five minutes than I have from Doug all year :P Don't get me wrong, I love Doug- he's sweet and an incredible player, he's just not a very good teacher is all. And he's getting old and tends to forget what he's saying sometimes... :S And from those brief five minutes I had with Tom, I've been determined to get some lesson-time with him ever since then! heh :)
So yay! TOM IS MY COMBO TUTOR! Hopefully I'll learn a lot from him this term! :D

Right, Anyhoo, time to actually do some work, rather than procrastinating on here. Begone I say! Evil bloggers sucking me into your circle of procrastination! The sun is calling- I'm outta here! *grins*

Important Stuff

2004-10-07T17:30:00.000+13:00

I got sent this FWD recently and I thought I would display it on my blog- pay attention girls! This is important (if you're a guy who reads my blog, copy it and show it to the females in your life: sisters, mothers, girlfriends, partners.... it could potentially save them should the occasion arise!):

Through a Rapist's Eyes

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing!

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocerystore parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys that you're not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms taught are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, "I can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter". Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up, you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay Back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (one instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh -- HARD. One woman in a class said she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands -the guy needed stitches! Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts!

14) After the initial hit, always go for the groin... I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible... The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply: Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

IT'S SIMPLE STUFF BUT IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Rantings from a Feverish Mind

2004-10-04T17:16:00.000+13:00

Siiiiicccckk...

I have the worst luck ever. First day back of Polytech today, and I've been at home feeling quite ill. :P It figures. *sigh* And of course, that makes me stress out about all the stuff I have to do this term. I just can't afford to be sick like this.
I went to bed early last night because I had a bit of a sore throat. Lo and behold, I get ambushed by flu symptoms in the middle of the night and I don't sleep. At all. The entire night. :P

...anyone else here experienced feeling both hot AND cold at the same time?!?!?! Seriously, it's quite a tiring experience :P I kept throwing the bed covers on and off all night. One minute, I'm shivering under my duvet, the next, I'm sweltering from hideous hot flushes. My head also feels like someone is performing some ancient chinese torture on it, slowly crushing my skull :P

URGH! I am SICK of being SICK! :P hah. It's been a bad year for my health *sigh* Of course, that makes me start thinking about all my sitiophobia issues and the kind of impact it's having on me as a result...
I just don't have the same stamina as most people because of it.
But I'm too tired right now to be bothered getting myself all depressed about my eating issues. heh.
I'm just using my blog to vent about how much it sucks being sick :P

Anyhoo, I decided it was best to stay home when Dad found me in the kitchen at 5am... which made me realise people would be getting up soon, and I hadn't even been asleep :P

Annnnd I am currently procrastinating from doing anything productive. I hate that- I mean, here's the perfect opportunity to catch up on some work or whatever, but I'm feeling too ill to concentrate :P bah.
Right... I'm going to climb off my pity-pot now and spend some time with God... I've got that horrible feeling that there's something nasty lurking on the horizon and I'm in no shape to cope with it. hmmm.
Anyhoo, pay no attention to this post people. I'm just delirious.
LOL

Fantails, Films and Friendship! :)

2004-09-25T01:02:00.000+12:00

I saw a really fat fantail bird outside my window today... it's body was the size of a child's head, I swear!!!!!!!!!

*ahem*

Anyway.

Thanks to everyone who came to my movie night! That was awesome- I had a lot of fun, and I hope everyone else did too! Barring my mother's maniacal rules about food in the lounge ...*sigh* :P

I'm glad Kelly and Rachael came because for a while there, I thought it was going to be another "Jess and the guys" episode :P :P :P :P
I love those two. In fact, I love everyone that was there. I'm so thankful to God for all the new friendships I've made recently (and am still making!) cause they've all turned out to be such awesome, fun, people.
And for once in my life, I feel like I kinda fit in. I can't remember the last time I felt like that.

Kelly keeps complimenting me. She's so sweet- I mean, saying things like "you're so stunning" all the time is a fairly nice confidence boost, considering my background... (though, that's another story. heh.) though I always feel kinda embarrassed by it, I mean- it's nice to hear, though... y'know... heh. I'm not sure why, but it just makes me go all shy and coy. Go figure.
But the thing is, Kelly's sweet compliments got me thinking... I mean, I've thought about this before but never really did anything about it...

I've always said people don't compliment each other enough. The only time people ever really seem to say nice things they like about each other is at a funeral. And by then it's too late to tell the person.

So, I'd like to compliment a few people on here on the things I think are really nice about them, and have made me appreciate my friendships with them all the more- if you read my blog, and your name isn't mentioned, please don't feel shunned or something... I'm just going to go through the people I know the best (which, still isn't much considering how little I get to see/ hang out with you guys... heh.) since, well, what on earth would I say about someone I don't know? :P lol.
Hmm...maybe I'll just go through my "Blog-Haunts" list:

Andrea- nutty in a good way, like me! :) (not a single word out of you Paul!!!! :P) Got that artistic "thing" happening (which won't make sense to anyone but artistic people, lol) which I love. SO creative! Very sweet and friendly. Comes across really elegant AND eloquent (though what else would you expect from a writer?! tee hee). Not afraid to speak her mind, nor of what other people think. Also willing to contact someone she hardly knows and hasn't seen in about two years (eg, me! lol) and say "hi", striking up a new friendship :)

Brehaut- Ah, what can I say? This guy had me from the word "majestic"! *grins* A music-appreciator, of the good variety. There are musicians, and then there are their loyal followers who know a lot about musical theory/history. Brehaut is one of these people :D We never run out of things to say when it comes to music!
He will stand up for his opinions. Extremely witty... Highly intelligent, and that always makes for interesting conversation (but not the kind that uses massive words and you end up getting confused. That's just...um...confusing. hehe.). Very helpful (particularly when you've screwed up your computer...or your blog template...*sheepish*) and generally just awesome fun to talk to and hang out with! :)
Oh, and he has a FANTASTIC laugh when you tickle him :D

Chad- yeah! Although seemingly reserved and quiet, this guy has an awesome sense of humour! Also very caring, and always has something insightful to say. AND extremely thoughtful- he brings chocolate cake (WHICH HE MADE HIMSELF! Ladies- he cooks! yeah! :D) to movie nights, and other such yummy treats! :D To top it off, highly intelligent. In the scientific sense- wow! Maybe he'll find a cure for cancer...go Chad! :D

Dave- well, I still don't know Dave much... but he's with Andrea and anyone going out with Andrea must be cool!..annd...slightly nuts like her *grins* (again, in a good way! lol) Seems like a fun guy, possibly a SNAG ;) lol (he's very nice! ~_~) and I can see why he and Paul are good friends. :) I've only seen him like, two or three times so there's not much else I can say at this point. But he comes across as a very caring person.

Estie- Again, haven't really seen Estie much, but she seems like a very spirited, quirky girl and looks extremely huggable (I like hugging people :D). A very cultured (she knows other languages! I always love that! ~_~) 21st-century girl. Exudes a strong sense of confidence with regards to who she is (not to say she doesn't have any fears- I mean, we all have fears and insecurities, so...y'know what I mean. But she seems like a very stable, caring person from what little I know about her) and not afraid to voice her opinions. She's what I would consider a "strong" female- the kind that can take charge and will stand up for herself and seems to have an invisible sign above her saying "whatever boys can do, girls can do just as well!" :) I think she has that kind of loving "mother" aura- watching out for other people! :) yay!

Fraser- haven't had much to do with him, but he's in a band, and that's all good. :D yay for musos... and I'll freely admit I'm biased. hehe. Also got a wicked sense of humour, eh Don Juan? lol

Jared- yet another person whom I haven't seen much of, but definitly has the same warped sense of humour as me, as was proven last night when I could hear him laughing loud and hard at the movies I had chosen. Yes Jared, they were brilliant weren't they? *grins*
Also a very deep guy, which is awesome. I think all the males mentioned in this post are really thoughtful people. Which is an absolutely wonderful change, considering past male friends I had only ever talked about drinking, partying and cars :P But yeah, Jared- anyone who can drink that much coffee has to be an interesting person! :) Pity I haven't seen much of him, because there's not much more I can say, considering how little we've interacted. Hopefully that will change :)

Katherine- ah, now here's someone I've "known" for several years in highschool, but hardly knew anything about. Always seemed very quiet and studious at Girls' High- but by reading her blog I've discovered that there's a LOT going on in this chickie's head! I wish I had spent more time getting to know her way back when, but no use crying over "if only"s... I now have a second chance. Hurrah! Though one thing I've always known is that she's a very sweet, caring girl and I think it's impossible to dislike Katherine! Utterly lovable, and filled with interesting information and knowledge! Extremely thoughtful :) Oh...and REALLY intelligent! The girl pretty much beat everyone in highschool when it came to getting marks! Top of the class our Katherine! Always admirable! :)

Kelly- tee hee! The reason for this post! Who couldn't love Kelly? Sweet, compliments everyone... Full of passion for the things she does and so fired up for God I think she leaves many of us in the dust. Full of life and determination, and not afraid to follow her heart (and God, in that matter) in the face of adversity. And although she keeps saying I'm stunning, I think she's absolutely gorgeous with her wavy hair and chocolate-brown eyes that are always filled with light and love. A very caring, beautiful individual inside and out. I'll miss her when she's in ~~Tajak~~...~~Tajik~~...~~Tajija~~... overseas. :P ;)
She also made a very cute brunette Marilyn Monroe at the ball *grins* And of everything I've said so far, I'd capitalise CARING; all the awesome out-reach stuff she does... I really admire the things she is, and will be, doing with her life. She really loves people and that's so cool. :)

Lindsey- Still don't know her, but from what I've seen, this girl has a very fun, charismatic personality! She's given me the impression of being bubbly, full of life, and not afraid to speak her mind. AND she's involved in the arts too :) That, is awesome :) She is really friendly and is always smiling. There's that on-going joke about her always crossing "the line" but I appreciate that in a way: she's not afraid to be herself. And that's so important.

Michelle- oh Michelle! Slightly nuts and so much fun! :) She's also very open- whether or not she believes it herself. Maybe not so much in person, but the fact she's willing to say what's *really* on her mind, be it good or bad, when writing on a blog that the entire world has access to, I think that says a lot about what an honest person she is. We need more honest people in the world like that- even Christians aren't as honest as we'd like to believe. I think many of us act like we've got it together, and just give off the general impression that "yeah, we're good", but Michelle is willing to voice her struggles and doubts when the rest of us might pretend we don't have those same feelings sometimes. I know *I* really empathize with what Michelle writes on her blog sometimes! She's ALSO very caring and sweet (I've now come to the conclusion that all the girls are exhibiting these qualities, which is just awesome! ~_~) and I have several encouraging, loving text messages from her on my cellphone which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I received them! :) And again, another beautiful female (actually, I think all the girls I know are very attractive- beautiful on the inside AND out! yay! ~_~)... I remember her also telling me she thought I was way too attractive lol, when I was thinking the same thing about her! Beautiful dark curly hair, and how many of you have taken the time to look in her eyes?! Good grief! In the words of Ali G: "I like your eyes, can I touch them?" :D Most brunettes have brown eyes like Kelly and I, but Michelle has these beautiful light...I dunno what colour you'd call them...aqua?...eyes which is quite unique. Actually, Ruth has very pretty eyes like that too... but still, it's not often you find brunettes with non-brown eyes! What's with all the girls being so attractive? *grins*
But anyway, I'll shut up now- I don't like talking about physical appearance too much. I mean, it's nice hearing compliments if people think you look nice, but still... I like focusing on everyone's personalities :) I feel like I'm being shallow if I talk too much about how people look...
But yeah, Michelle is honest, sweet, caring and beautiful (and she wonders why guys are pining after her?! pfffft!) and oh! Another one so fired up for God! Working with world vision and stuff...what an awesome dream! :) Her plans for the future really reflect what a loving individual she can be :)

Mike- mmm another one I don't know much about, but he definitely seems like a laid-back, mellow kind of guy! Great sense of humour, rather random and fun to be around :) and anyone who can produce a block of cheese from inside their jacket out of thin air, has to be cool! :D heheh Seems like the kind of person who will always be there for you when you need him. That's great :)

Nathan- ah, what can I say about Nathan? *grins* Seems rather eccentric but that is NO way a bad thing (I mean, coming from me...it's a compliment, lol!). Very deep and thoughtful- great fun to debate with. Makes you think, and challenges you to dig a little further. Quirky and fun to be around and very easy to get along with :) Also really intelligent and great at planning things out and thinking laterally. Knows how to use fire staff... I give him two thumbs up just for that! lol *grins* Oh... and although he seems to enjoy being a bit of a "stirrer" sometimes heheh ;) he also appears to be a peacemaker as well, which is awesome. He is clear, direct and likes to know where he stands with people, and always immediately attempts to resolve any misunderstandings between himself and others. So, he cares about how other people are feeling and thus my comment about being a bit of a "peacemaker". How cool! :)

Paul- heheh. Oh c'mon, we're going out! ~_~ Although I could write screeds with regards to what I consider his good qualities, I'll try and tone it down, lol!
In a nutshell? He's funny and extremely humourous. He doesn't mind being silly, but he also knows when to be serious. He's caring and very attentive towards his friends, and on that note: very friendly! ~_~... one of the first people to attempt to get to know me better when I first started going to ABC :) What else, hmm... extremely observant, really intelligent (again, this seems to be a trend with all the males- how cool! ~_~) and watches out for his friends- always there when they need him. Very considerate of other people's needs, helpful, and really cuddly which is awesome. Girls always need lots of hugs and I know of several instances where he's supplied them to friends-in-need :) Um, a really good listener (even when it's me babbling on about music ~_~), a loving person... I could keep going, but I think I've spent more than enough space on adorable Paulie. ;) lol In fact, if I did keep going, I'd just start getting really mushy, and no one wants to hear that stuff! *sheepish grin*

Richard- um, well, actually, I haven't really had much to do with him, but he's a muso- so two definite thumbs up for that! :D Plus, he's willing to jam with me in church even when he doesn't know what on earth I'm playing, lol, which shows a lot of confidence. Also very caring- prayed with me when I had a really massive, sobbing breakdown in church a couple of months ago (okay, so I've done that two or three times since- but not as bad as that first time, heh!) and followed it up with text messages saying he and Emily were there if I ever needed to talk and stuff, which was really nice to know! I thought that was really thoughtful, caring and friendly- because there are people who are supportive at the time, which is great, but then there are those who take it that one step further by actually checking up on you a couple of days later! So kudos to Richard for being such a concerned, caring person. :)

Reuben- ah Reubz, what a legend! An AWESOME, multi-talented musician. Helpful, insightful and willing to do massively big favours like helping me record my songs using his drool-worthy equipment! :D Artistic, very poetic, and really encouraging. Also got a quirky sense of humour and smile-y eyes :) yay! ~_~ And what a muse!!!! He churns out awesome musical ideas by the barrel. How cool!.... And he always has time for a friend. :)

Ruth- ROOFIE! YAY! Who *doesn't* love Ruth?! Just like the other girls- she's just so easy to LOVE! :) Wonderful sense of humour, great fun to be around. Also really intelligent (I mean- from what I hear about those speech therapy classes, you have to be pretty damn smart! heh ~_~). Likes being silly which is great fun! ~_~ And it shows she's not afraid to be herself and doesn't care what other people think of her. Also very caring and easy to talk to. Asides from Paul, I think she was one of the other people that first started talking to me at ABC, so she's very friendly and so easy to approach when you want to talk to someone! :) She always interested in how you are and cares about how you're feeling... she's one of those people whom I think can put anyone at ease if they're feeling uncomfortable or something. Also really supportive! yay!

S.A.M- well, who really knows him in this country, asides from maybe Mike? *grins* Since I only know him via internet, all I can really say is that he comes across as a fun, random, charismatic kind of guy who is also really caring and thoughtful. Maybe we shall one day meet up! That would be fun! ~_~

Um, yeah... I think the only other person I'll mention on here is Rachael, although she doesn't read blogs so it's kinda pointless (but I think I'll tell her this in person next time I see her! ~_~)

Rachael- we get on really well and discovered we have a lot in common. Fun to be around, easy to talk to and she's also really caring, and like Kelly and Michelle, has such awesome plans for the future! Working with disabled people... she mentioned recently about doing occupational therapy (is that right?) and stuff which is so cool that she has that kind of love for others, even when she's been through a lot herself. She's sympathetic towards people's problems, and likes to help wherever she can! Also very friendly and willing to strike up conversations with people she doesn't know very well (such as me! heheh) :)

Yay, right... I've spent ages writing this, so my plan to go to bed before midnight has kinda gone out the window.... oh well. :P :)

The last thing before I go is- I know none of us are perfect, I just wanted to make everyone aware of some of their awesome good qualities, because I know of several people (myself included) who tend to beat themselves up all the time for their faults. And I think it's just nice to know that other people can see, and appreciate, the good things in us :)
Like I said at the beginning of this post- people don't compliment each other enough. They only seem to say the nice things they really think about each other at funerals, and by then it's too late.
So, I just wanted to make thoughts into words, and let you all know how happy I am that I've met you. Yay for God! Does anyone else look back and think that some of their friendships *can't* have been coincidental meetings? And then there are people who almost act like "bridges"- you start off getting to know them, then they introduce you to someone else.... and even though that original friendship might end up being something brief and superficial, that friendship leads you on to one that's even deeper and closer with the person you were introduced to? Anyhoo, I think I'll end this now, it's late and I think I stopped making sense several paragraphs ago. :P :) lol
However, just remember, if I haven't written something about you, it's probably because I still don't know you yet. But hopefully that will be remedied soon :)
Much love and hugs to all!

The Kitten =^_^=

Oh Dear...

2004-09-22T20:46:00.000+12:00

I have, unfortunately, discovered TradeMe.co.nz

As a result, I have fallen in love (sorry Paul :p).

SHE WOULD COST *AT LEAST* $15 000 at an estimate, oh wait, there it says her last sale was at $16 000!!!! And the starting price has been set at $5 900!!!! I am *THIS* close to blowing everything I've earnt over the past two years just so I can have her... oh yes yes yes YES!!!!!!! I'm all a flutter at the thought of owning such a beauty!

ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?!?!?!?! Check out those legs!!!!! That's late 1800s period carving! OH BABY!!!!

My love! My darling! How I adore thee... Alas, unrequited love strikes me down in an electrifying blaze! Oh cursed TradeMe! You have stolen mine eyes and placed them upon heights I may never reach!

My beloved! How I wish I could run my hands along your smooth contours, my beauty...
I vow that one day you shall be mine! MINE! ALL MINE!
MUAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WLIEKLSNDFOPQUFKLDFIHAS:LJFLF

[...WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY. JESS HAS APPARENTLY LOST WHAT LITTLE SANITY SHE POSSESSED. WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE...]

MOVIES ON THURSDAY

2004-09-20T19:24:00.000+12:00

YAY! MOVIE NIGHT AT MY HOUSE!!!!

Though, before I mention details, I just want to say: thanks to everyone who txted/called/commented on the last post about my performance assessment, wishing me luck :)
Your support is appreciated *BIG HUGS TO EVERYONE!!!!* ~_~
Assessment went alright actually. Kinda sucked on my first song, but I think I redeemed myself on the second one. hehe. I know what I did wrong too, and boy did I get it in my comments:

"Get yer foot off the damn loud pedal"
"Less pedal"
"Stop using the stupid pedal"

etc.

Well. That was nice and straight foward *grins*. My mark was alright. Good for what I did but not a brilliant mark. However, that's what I was kinda expecting- it could have been a *LOT* worse. Oh, believe me :P So, that's all good that it went relatively smoothly...

Anyhoo, the real reason for this post:

MOVIE NIGHT AT MY PLACE ON THURSDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone invited! Thursday 23rd September. Please show up from 6pm onwards. I was thinking of starting the first movie (I plan on getting two) between 6:30 and 7pm, so make sure you're there! :)

Unfortunately my mother has gone nato recently about food in the lounge, so we can't eat anything while watching the movies (*sigh*), though you're welcome to disappear into the kitchen, or outside (if it's warm enough) to eat/drink/whatever. :)

Hope to see you all there. Movie genre is comedy. :)

The Kitten =^_^=

Performance Assessment Ahoy

2004-09-14T18:55:00.000+12:00

Date: Tuesday 14th September
Time: 1855
Mission: Complete Performance Assessment on Wednesday 15th September at 1415 without having mental breakdown.

Current Status of Student 98481134

Mood: Apathetic and tired. Subject may want to break several objects.
Weight last week: 55kg
Weight this week: 51kg
Hypothesis: Although severely lacking motivation, general lethargy may aid student in P.A by removing all tension and thus decreasing chances of nervous reactions, such as memory loss* and regression of motor coordination**. Hypothesis will be tested at 1415 on Wednesday 15th September 2004.

P.A preparation should include chocolate.
Prayer advised.

...

* ie, forgetting where she is in the music.
** ie, shaking so badly she can't hit the right keys on the piano. :P

...

In other news, the vocalist in my band sent me a sunflower with a card wishing me luck for Assessment tomorrow. She's so sweet! :) Awwww! After a stressful day it's things like that, that just make you smile. ~_~

PS: READ POST BELOW THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Movie Nights... Rahrahrah!!!!! :D

2004-09-12T13:20:00.000+12:00

By now, I'm sure most of you are aware I'm planning another couple of movie nights at my place in the next two weeks, since *finally* I'LL be on holiday! muaha! :D
However, it's not going to be much of a holiday since the rest of you are back at uni *sigh*
But, I'm still hoping you can all make it to the movie nights I'm planning.
When, I hear you asking?
That is the reason for this post, if everyone could let me know (either by leaving a comment on here or ringing/emailing me, or just getting Paul to pass the message on) when they are free in the next couple of weeks (because I'm sure you've all got assignments and stuff to do, which I completely understand!) that would be great, and I'll try and organise the date around that.

So, if you could all let me know when you're free (which days you'd prefer, etc) between Monday 20th September to Sunday 3rd October that would be good. I was thinking of a week night possibly, since Chad has kindly informed me that the CU camp is on the weekend of the 24th, and this coming weekend I work on Friday and Saturday night is the last night of my gig :P boo.

So yeah, most likely weeknights unless maybe Saturday 2nd October?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know what is easiest for all of you, so I can try and arrange a good night for all.

ALSO note, I was planning two nights: one for everyone, and one just for the girls because, well, I want to get to know the girls better! *hugs and whiskers for all the females* :) I'm in desperate need of girly bonding time, so please! Let me know when you all are free! I'm begging here!

I've had enough of my hermit-like habits of this term, I NEED SOME SOCIALISATION! HELP ME!!!!!

*ahem* So yeah, leave a comment on this post of which nights you'd like to come over and watch some movies or something, or ring/email me...or get Paul to pass the message on. Yeah. :)

This is open to everyone, even the people I still don't know very well (like Linz and Rachel and Katherine etc ~_~) so just post a comment of when you're free, regardless! The more the merrier, and hopefully it won't give my mother a heart attack :) lol

In Need of TLC. Be Gentle. :P

2004-09-09T01:30:00.000+12:00

Moody.

grhhh.

I'm quite aware I'm PMSing (or DMSing as the case may be- D standing for "During" :P), and if a single male out there says PMS doesn't really exist I'll wallop him over the head good and proper. I swear my hormones go so out of whack around this time it's not funny. In fact, I'm meant to be seeing a doctor about that, but as honest as I want to be on my blog, I'm sure the majority of my blog-readers (particularly the male ones) don't want to hear about my feminine issues. :P

But my knowledge of having PMS still doesn't change the fact that I want a cuddle and a hot water-bottle! :P

Michelle sometimes rants on her blog about how she feels like she's being whiny, well, I'm about to put her to shame when it comes to whining, and hopefully I won't get bagged out for it.

I just need to vent.

Grhh...the reason I feel pretty sure I'm PMSing, asides from the obvious *cough*, is that yesterday everything was absolutely brilliant. In fact, even with the knowledge that next week is performance assessment week, I was having one of those "Yeah! Bring it on!" days, where nothing could touch me.
My logical mind tells me when I'm feeling *that* good, I'm about to go plummeting the other way :P Goodie.
Annnd....here we are.

I'm stressed and frustrated and worried and even admittedly...feeling kinda lonely :(

I'm stressed because next week is performance assessment, I've hardly practised, my solos suck and I haven't transcribed any ideas whatsoever, I have four more assignments to do in between now and next Wednesday, plus of course actual performance assessment on the Wednesday.... and people might think "oh, plenty of time", however I will be working on Friday from 12-5pm (thankfully I got the evening off to try and do *some* practice), and again on Saturday at my gig from 6-10pm. Then Sunday I have church (which I wouldn't miss for the world. I've come to the conclusion that I don't care if I have assignments coming out my ears, if I haven't left enough time to do them, that's my own personal fault for procrastinating. I won't let that come between me and God-time)...

I suppose that still leaves the day-time in the weekend. Doesn't change the fact that I still need several more hours to actually practice and get those assignments done. *sigh* I'm worried about the kind of mark I might end up getting in performance assessment, because in the very first term I got comments like "you need a role model badly" and "you're all over the place- anywhere but a jazz place"
Second term I had comments like "good work Jess- some nice ideas in places" and I'm pretty sure the only reason I got comments like that was because those ideas came from other pianists I listened to that term (in order to shove the first-term comments back in their faces, which I did quite nicely. heh.)...
However this term I haven't absorbed any outside influences for the pieces I'll be assessed on, which worries me because I'm bound to get the "you're playing crap jazz" comments AGAIN :P so, I could try and transcribe some stuff now, but I've really left it all a bit too late.

stupid. stupid. stupid. :P

I'm worried about Jazz History because I have *WRITTEN NO NOTES WHATSOEVER FROM THE ENTIRE YEAR*...well, a couple. But seriously, a couple :P I am going to have to go through THE ENTIRE BOOK in the holidays and write some proper notes out. Okay, so I'm getting 100% in my written assignments, which are worth 20% each, so I pretty much have a guaranteed pass so far...but still. :P

It's just so much stuff to do. And I'm frustrated because I have all this stuff that needs to be done, and it's keeping me from doing other things I should be doing, like spending more time with God and there are people all over the place expecting about a zillion things from me.
"Jess, rehearsal Friday morning"
"Jess, can you redesign the CD cover and print some out by Tuesday?"
"Jess, can you come over and fix the computer for me? Thanks"
"Jess, can you make a staff meeting on Wednesday?"
then the stuff in my own head.... return library books, pick up prescription, reschedule appointment with hairdresser, appointment with doctor, do banking, mend hole in shirt, ring my sister, visit my grandmother, obtain girly products I won't mention on my blog in case I scare the males that read this, rehearse music for my cousin's wedding...

I could keep going. But I'm tired.
And I keep hanging out for "the finish" if you know what I mean. That single thought that says "when I get this all out of the way..."
BUT THERE NEVER IS AN END!

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I think maybe my organisational habits have actually reached the point of being obsessive compulsive.... Must. Complete. Everything. Or. Go. Insane.

gah.

I just want it to be summer. I want to be in the middle of the pool on a lilo, lounging good n' proper like a cat in the sun.
And for those of you who know me, I'm sure you can picture me doing it very much like a cat. *grins*

It's like, everytime I tick something off my lovely organised list of "Things To Do" (yes, I am that sad) something else takes it's place. The list doesn't get smaller, it actually gets bigger.

AL(@&$@I#RNLKFNSODIUYSP(FUOAFNLFDNKSFN)P(#$)OLIHOWIRKN@($&QP)WEJ

Sorry, that was just me spazzing out.

And I'm also frustrated because with all this stuff I have to do, I never see anyone :(
I feel like a hermit. Don't get me wrong, I really love my alone time. When offered the opportunity of going out on the town or watching a movie cuddled up under a blanket, I'd choose the movie and blanket any day.
But we all need people. We were created to be social. That much I think everyone can agree on.

And right now, I feel lonely.
I wouldn't consider myself friends with anyone at jazz school currently. "Random Mates" perhaps (the kind you occasionally see at Sammy's Jazz Review on a Friday night, and talk to in the common room), but apart from that... no. I've made friends with a couple of people from jazz school, but they're not there currently. Two of them just got back from being in Aussie most of the year (yay! They're back!) and the other one has taken a year off (because yes, Jazz School is a pretty stressful place to be).
And apart from that?
Most of you reading this blog I would like to consider friends.
But do I really know any of you yet?
I feel lonely because everyone is at uni and I'm stuck at freakin' polytech! :P even my old highschool crowd, who weren't really my friends anyway...and I haven't heard hide nor hair from them because they've all gone buddy-buddy at uni.

At least most of you reading this can see each other at lunch and whatnot. Being at uni together leaves room for spontaneity, and the ability to catch up more easily, organise things...

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the other side of the planet.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I have all this work I need to do...
...and I just want to spend some time with my friends.

On a side note, I'm planning a couple of "movie nights" at my place (not Monty Python-oriented unless specifically asked for *grins* I think we went mightily hard on that last time, lol)... one night for everyone, the other just for the Girls :)
..I'm just hoping everyone will come, because I'll be on holiday, and you will all probably be in the middle of *your* exams... :S

Again, I feel like I'm on another planet being at polytech. And it's very lonely.

*sigh*
And JUST FOR ONCE I'd like to get to bed before midnight, but no. There's always *SOMETHING* that distracts me. Bah.

Although, I did need to have a good vent tonight.

Thanks for reading this far, if you have...
...I need neurofen, chocolate, my electric blanket, and a soft toy...unfortunately I'm really lacking in the soft toy department *pouts* my neice Maddison-Lily has commandeered all toys within the general vicinity. I suppose my furry cat-pillow (yes, I have a furry cat-pillow. And it's purple. :P) will do...but I digress.

*sigh* I need a shot of sugar for all the stuff I have to do, starting tomorrow... or maybe a jump-start. Perhaps I should locate the car's cables for that...

Alas. I'm over-worked and in need of company, company which I can't have until I've finished the work that is making me over-worked...

Several words come to mind, none of which are repeatable.

Goodnight dear readers... sometimes it bites to be a girl.

J.E =^_^=

LEGENDARY!

2004-09-06T17:22:00.000+12:00

heheheh

Time Assignment Due: 5:00pm
Time Assignment Handed In: 4:58pm

:D

Spring Fever

2004-09-06T10:44:00.000+12:00

yayayayyayayayayay summer is on it's waaayyyyyyy!!!! :D
Oh it's SO nice to look outside and see the sun! It may not be warm yet, but sunny weather *always* puts me in a good mood! Now I'm feeling all hyper- must calm down somehow...

*thinks about the two assignments she has to have done before 5pm*

Okay, that should do it :P

heh. Ice-Skating was FUN on Friday, for those of you who didn't come! AND I DIDN'T FALL OVER AT ALL!!!!! And I've only been iceskating like, once before. When I was eight. :P!!!! hehe!

Of course, that didn't stop people like Nathan and Dave skating circles around me, but I'm still pleased with my little accomplishment lol

mmm anyhoo, Saturday I crashed and burned after one rough working-week (cause unlike all you uni people, my holidays aren't for another couple of weeks!!!! :P) but that was okay because it was the one day I get to sleep in and do nothing... at least until 6pm, when I have my gig.
Speaking of which.
I only have two weeks left there *pouts* Our contract has expired, and the hotel wants to keep circulating other bands so the music stays fresh and new. I really hope we find something else. I used to work at Sounds both Fridays and Saturdays, but I gave up my Sats so I could do the gig... so if I don't have the gig anymore, I'm only working for a few hours on a Friday in a job where the pay is very sucky (though, I suppose the perks make up for it, lol)... so yeah, hopefully we find something else so I can supplement my income. I'm trying really hard to leave my tertiary education with no student loan whatsoever!!!! Plus, I've just had it pretty much beaten into me since I was little to save save save save...
I guess my parents worry, considering the financial strife my sister is in.

*sad* I love my sister soooo much and her life has gone to the dogs. Barely surviving day-to-day due to debt, bills to pay whatever. Saving *nothing* because every little cent is used daily. And the situation isn't helped by being in a relationship with an apathetic male who meets none of her emotional needs and actually doesn't care about saving, pretty much lives *off* my darling sister, which doesn't help matters...and why does she put up with it? Because she "loves" him.

And personally, I'm not even sure if it *is* love anymore, but maybe a fear of being alone. She lives in Tauranga in the North Island, and her partner is pretty much her only social connection. She has maybe a couple of friends, who aren't really friends at all, and that's it. Her family, us, we're down here in Christchurch.
I miss her.

Mum would try and tell her she needs God in her life, but she doesn't want to have a bar of it. She can't sleep or eat, she's depressed, and all I could hear on Sunday was her sobbing on the phone to Mum about going crazy. :(
Doing this 40 days of purpose, it talks about part of the life of a Christian being fellowship...and if dear Janine came to God and joined a church family... she wouldn't be alone anymore.
I tried to tell Mum to use me as an example of what a change has happened in me by finding God, but then Janine decided to take that as "see, Jess is perfect, why can't you be like her?" :P which wasn't the point at all! :P

She's coming down here for a week in October (when it's her birthday), maybe I can do something then... I don't know. If other people could pray over this, that would be most helpful. I love my sister, and it makes me cry seeing what's happening to her. She's breaking apart at the seams...
And y'know, if that's making *me* cry, I can only imagine how Jesus must feel.

It's just that, she's been through *so* much, I think she blames God more than anything, and that's just sad.
Seriously, I mean, it's her personal stuff so I won't mention exactly what she's gone through, but pretty much imagine the worst thing that could possibly happen to your sister, and you wouldn't be far off the mark.

I guess something else that sucks in the financial department is that she'll be stuck with debts for life (a student loan she had when she was my age which now equates to $50 000 and she's only paying off the interest on that! Hence why I'm so gung ho about not ending up with a hefty student loan :P)... and to have that kind of drain on you, it would make it so much harder to see how life could be any different, y'know? Because you can't really have a "new start" if you've got past problems tagging along for the ride, if that makes sense.

You know that question, "what would you do if you won lottery?" ?

The *FIRST* thing I'd do, is pay off all my sister's debts for her. Out of sincere desperation, it makes me want to go by a ticket right now.
It really sucks. *sigh* I'm just really praying God will help my sister and use me in any way possible to help turn her life around.
It doesn't help when she feels like it's too late for her. Most of you, when talking about siblings, they're within a few years of your age. Well, my sister is in her late 30s. Coming up on 40. So, try telling someone in that age group who has the kind of issues my sister does, that it's "never too late"... chances that they'll believe you are very slim.
What on earth can I do?

Anyhoo, I better stop procrastinating and work on my assignments...

Stay tuned! Same cat-time, same cat-channel!
.
=^_^=

Spring and Skating! =^_^=

2004-09-03T10:48:00.000+12:00

...SPRING!!!!! :) It's so nice!

Anyhoo, just a reminder people:

COME ICE-SKATING TONIGHT! Open-invite!
Alpine Ice-Skating Rink, 7:30pm-10pm. $12 entry (unfortunately)

If you're there early, there will be chocolate cake :D

PLEASE COME!!!!

=^_^=

...I'll write more jess-related stuff when I find the time. I'm supposed to be in ensemble right now, then there's the ice-skating tonight, tomorrow assignment, tomorrow night gig, Sunday assignment, Sunday night church... Monday assignment, hand in assignment, Tuesday assignment and hair-cut and extra ensemble practice and 40 days of purpose, Wednesday extra ensemble practice...you get the idea :P
Then the week after next is assessment week for me.
Eeep.

However, I'm sure I'll be on here procrastinating :)
Ciao.

Thoughts for the Day

2004-08-25T16:32:00.000+12:00

Who wants to know what it's like inside my head? Now's your chance! You have been warned!!!!
...

God is Awesome. Yay!
...

1. Gah I'm an idiot. I can't believe I just agreed to do a 3 1/2 hour SOLO PIANO gig tomorrow night. I'm already overloaded as it is, but nooo...Kate does the "please, I love you!" whiny voice and I become a pushover.
Though I suppose the fact she waved "$50 per hour" in my face kinda helped...lol
Maybe I'm overcoming my performance fear too and finally growing into an arrogant musician. "Yay! Solo gig! Everyone look at me- I'm special!!!!" lol :P j/k...
However, I'm still really freaked out about performing by myself. I've done two hour solo gigs, but nearly four hours? I don't think I have enough material...though I doubt they'd notice if I repeated stuff...hmmm....
I mean, I really should be practising for other things, but I guess a positive is, I can go over my jazz school tunes at the gig tomorrow... At least it's not a late night- I'm playing until 9:30pm, and it won't be too freaky I suppose, considering it's at my usual gig-haunt, the Millenium Hotel. muahah. *cough* Hopefully I'll be fine...though I really am going to have to sort out my repertoire. But Anyway...

2. Ow...my nose hurts...stupid winter...

3. man, The Tick. Now there was an awesome cartoon show...him and his moth-buddy side-kick. I wonder if anyone remembers that show?

4. Urgh... Staff Meeting at Sounds tonight. Oh well...take-out and great company... really should spend time practising though, and organising my folders for that gig tomorrow...

5. Oh crud, one week of teaching left and I still haven't done my last improvisation chapters...hmm... I should get on to that....

*an hour later*

6. ...Kinda funny that all this year I said I'd do McCoy Tyner as my improvisation study, and I've decided only now that I'll transcribe Oscar Peterson solos instead. Ah, I'm strange...

7. I wonder how weird people think I am? I remember my "eccentricity" really used to just be a joke at Girls High, but sometimes I actually have to stop what I'm doing and take a look at myself and think "man, I really AM a fruitloop!"...
Should I be worried that I enjoy being one?

8. Heheh cool...Michelle has given me an awesome character for her party. I'm sure gonna have fun with this one....oohhhh costume ideas....muahaha :D

9. Oh wow, people EMAILED me today! That doesn't happen often, though if I actually wrote emails more to people I suppose it'd increase. meah... too busy, speaking of which, where's my homework diary gone? hmm... if I was a homework diary, where would I be?...

...oh there I am....

10. Okay...that was slightly too well-timed to be coincidence... God is awesome. Yay!

11. Oooh....chocolate....

12. Oh yeah! That's the stuff! GO KENNY WERNER! mmmm that was some niiice solo work... what kind of time-signature was THAT?!?!... okay, now I'm all over-excited....damn. Those piano runs were wicked... ohhhhh yeaahhhhh.
I wonder if it's wrong that I can feel this kind of orgasmic thrill over music?... oh well. Bob looks like he's died and gone to heaven whenever he plays a IVm sound in a major key.... What's he say? oh yeah... "That's a beeauuuutiful chord, everyone"

So.Weird.

But then again, who am I to talk? :P

Right, that's enough random Jess thoughts for everyone today, I'm sure that's more than required to mess with your delicate minds, so I'm off to practice then go to a work meeting. Ciao!

=^_^=

PS: COME TO THE ICE-SKATING PARTY!!!!

ICE-SKATING PARTY!!!!

2004-08-23T23:18:00.000+12:00

WOOOO!!!!!

This is just free advertising...:)

WHO LIKES PARTIES?!?!?! :D
Well, I hope you all do, and even if you don't um....COME ANYWAY!!!! :D

I'm sure you may have heard bits and pieces from people about me planning an ice-skating party, well, finally! HERE IT IS!!!!

It was my friend Simon's birthday last weekend and since he's been rather down recently (his own father forgot it was his birthday :P) I decided to throw him a party.
This is open invite, so bring whomever you want! ~_~

Where: ALPINE ICE-SKATING RINK!!!!!
When: Friday 3rd September, 7:30pm-10pm (public skating hours at alpine)
Why: Cause Simon is my friend and he deserves a party.
Who: ALL OF YOU!!!!! Please please please come?!?!?! As I said above- bring anyone and everyone!!!!
What: It costs $12 per person. Group of 10+ you get a $1 off, if you really care :P... I know, most of us are poor students, but a night of fun skating, hilarity, and it's for a friend who really needs some support... It's a couple of weeks away, so I'm sure that's plenty of time to scrounge $12 together *grins*
How: You choose. Car pool is always a great idea. Plus, if you're really desperate to get the $1 off, you can convoy heheh :D
My previous "Physical Challenge" for someone to fly there still hasn't been met :P

...Anyhoo. Yeah. Ice-skating Night. Friday 3rd September at Alpine. There will be cake. (well, if you're there first, before it gets eaten *grins*...though there is a cafe at alpine anyway, so it's all good...lol) PLEASE COME!!!!

And if that's not incentive enough, perhaps a tug at your heartstrings might help...
The following are the text messages I received from Simon when I started organising this party for him:

You have no idea how much i love u for what u r doing for me and i know that u r putting it down as being a friend but it means so much to me i dont Know how i will ever be able to thankyou or repay u it is the best thing anyone has ever done for me

...How can you say no to THAT?!?! :)
Okay, Hope to see you all there in a couple of weeks! Remember, Friday 3rd September! WRITE IT IN YOUR DIARIES PEOPLE!!!!!

"Thankyou, please come again!" :D

Photos

2004-08-21T00:40:00.000+12:00

Yeah, so ummm...photos *grins*

First three are random things I wanted to post (one because it's cute and the other two because they're just plain funny. Three guesses which ones I'm referring to and the first two don't count!!!! muaha! ~_~)

The rest are even MORE ball photos for those of you who aren't tired of them yet. I'm not! lol
Now *yawns* I am off to bed....nighty night! :)

The Kitten =^_^=

2004-08-21T00:31:00.000+12:00

A photo of my neice and I, because I can can can :P :D

2004-08-21T00:30:00.000+12:00

Michelle drawing on Paul's face. Muahahahaha

2004-08-21T00:29:00.000+12:00

...and the finished result :D

2004-08-21T00:24:00.000+12:00

Group Photo!!!! :D

2004-08-21T00:23:00.000+12:00

Now who could these fine, upstanding young gentlemen be? ;)

2004-08-21T00:22:00.000+12:00

The girls display their shifty award ;)

2004-08-21T00:19:00.001+12:00

Michelle and Me! :) Yay!

2004-08-21T00:19:00.000+12:00

Who's a Cutie Kelly?!?!?! :D

2004-08-21T00:18:00.000+12:00

Zorro Unmasked!!!! (*GASP!*)

2004-08-21T00:16:00.000+12:00

The Girls :)

Life is Hectic

2004-08-19T16:11:00.000+12:00

gahhh!!!!! *scratches at face and neck*

Stupid rash from the costume face paint I wore to the ball still hasn't gone away :P For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, I've posted a photo below of me wearing it. :)
Gah- it's painful and looks absolutely hideous today. Since it follows the exact pattern of where my make-up was, I look like I've been in some horrible accident... like someone painted acid onto my face with a paint-brush :P

Okay, so it's not *that* bad...just depends what kind of light I'm standing in *grins*
Eh...hopefully it'll go away soon. I'm not really worried about how I look, it just hurts :P Sigh... why does my skin have to be so sensitive?

Anyhoo, not much to say really...hmm...

I was in a recording studio for FOUR HOURS last night! My jazz quartet is recording a demo CD, so we were holed up in MAINZ for ages trying to get our arrangements right. Honestly, there was always *something* that would go wrong... I think the best one had to be me playing section B instead of A in one of the tunes and then swearing really loudly. Of course, I wasn't the only one... there were several takes of each tune with Pete, Michelle and Kate cursing at various points when they messed something up. It's an inherent part of being a jazz muso *grins*... I've heard tutors swear profusely when performing for us at jazz school and messing up the form of the song, lol.
Not that that is really an excuse...heh, however, I have noticed that since becoming a Christian...I don't swear at all, until I'm doing something musical! What's with that?! *grins* J/k...
In any case, I can't wait to hear the finished product... I wouldn't mind getting a copy of all the mess-ups either, just because it was really funny, with us hassling each other...all the stuff we said when we didn't know they were recording... haha!
But yeah, I didn't get out of there until 11:30 last night :S Honestly, life is so hectic right now, I really must figure out a way to reorganise my schedule.
Yesterday consisted of classes in the morning, appointments in the afternoon, I got called at 3pm by work to close that evening (and because I'm too nice for my own good, I agreed :P)... so I'm there from 4:30-5:30pm... get called on my cellphone at 5:45pm as I'm closing the store, to discover that I was to meet Kate and the others at Jazz School at 6:30pm to go to MAINZ and record that evening. So, I close up, rush home, heft my extremely heavy electric piano into the back of my car, go out and get some tea, then rush to jazz school and sit there eating it until everyone arrives. We practice for half an hour, then head over to MAINZ to record... and yeah, we don't end up leaving until 11:30pm :P

And that was just yesterday. Unfortunately I missed classes today because I was so tired from it all... which definitely isn't a good thing and arghhhh stress!!!! I'm now thinking of all the other things I have to do before the weekend :P

But, with usual Jess-like mellowness: *shrugs* meahhh. I'll get it done. :P :)

It's supposed to be the jazz school concert next Wednesday too and I wanted to perform in it, but I'm just so busy, and there's not enough time for me to get a band together and rehearse for it. That would just be adding another big fat wad of stress onto my already over-loaded schedule :P Anyhoo, I better head off... in my jazz quartet my "little" job is the designing side of things, when it comes to our demo cover etc, and I'm supposed to have copies of our new photos, bios, covers etc by tomorrow :S
On a side note... there are pictures below of my jazz quartet and I playing at our Saturday night gig if anyone is interested.

Until next time!!!!

*runs away and tackles her various tasks with her usual stubborn insanity* :D

2004-08-19T16:08:00.000+12:00

Pre-Ball Photo (complete with rash-causing make-up :P)

2004-08-19T15:48:00.000+12:00

"The Snaz Jazz Set" (My jazz quartet!!! =^_^=)

2004-08-19T15:46:00.000+12:00

My jazz quartet playing at our weekly gig. :)

2004-08-19T15:37:00.001+12:00

Me playing the piano at my gig! :)

2004-08-19T15:37:00.000+12:00

Me!!!

Dear Diary

2004-08-16T20:44:00.000+12:00

I dislike my left hand.

It's very difficult playing piano sometimes because I'm so right-handed. My left hand is much weaker than my right and therefore has trouble keeping up with it.
Scales, double-handed, can be very annoying because of that. My left hand is also ever-so-slightly smaller than my right, so my stretch on the piano isn't as good for that hand. grhhhh....

Anyhoo, I made an amazing discovery: I improve when I practice.

*gasp*

:P

heheh. *sigh* I'd spend more time practising but I'm just so easily distracted! I think I've mentioned this before in a previous post... in any case, I always tend to do all my theoretical work before I do my practical, which is reflected in my marks. I've been getting marks like 89% 99% and 100% in subjects like Jazz History etc, however my last performance mark was 62%. Urgh.

Though admittedly the sole reason for that is I don't practice enough. :P When I consider how little I actually do, it's a really good mark. 62% is what I get when I coast on "natural skill"...

Makes me wonder what kind of marks I'd be getting if I actually practiced more often.
So.
I have a new practice routine- hence my comments about my left hand.
I guess what put me off for awhile was a couple of years ago a drunk friend thought it'd be really funny to tackle me to the ground when I wasn't looking...
I landed on my right hand and ripped ligaments. I couldn't play a scale smoothly for about a year. In fact, it only really came right at the end of last year, after extensive physiotherapy hand exercises :P And of course, I was back at square one for playing my scales... it was rather discouraging.
But yay it's coming right. It's harder too with Jazz. For all the musos out there... before I only had to play my major and minor (both harmonic and melodic) scales for classical. Now in my lovely new routine, I'm playing mixolydian, aeolian, dorian and mixolydian b2 b6 scales (the mixolydian b2 b6 being the 5th mode of the harmonic minor. Have I freaked you out yet? :P)...I *could* play several others, however they're the most important ones at the moment. Due to lack of time, I do these "sets" on four different notes each day (so, three days to get through all the notes on the piano)... this takes about an hour, since I repeat them over and over to perfect them.
I'm sure I could spend all day learning my scales, but that's fairly extremist, and rather pointless. *grins*
It's the pieces that matter.
I'm frustrated because I want Tom Rainey as my piano tutor (multi-instrumentalist extraordinaire, with awesome ears, known mostly for the bass and piano)... but I have Doug Caldwell. He's an incredible musician...just can't teach jack :P Well, he was great for my basics but...
We had a week at jazz school recently called "Playing Week" where we have no normal classes- just various practical workshops for your respective instruments. One involved going through the second-year repertoire and Tom was there.
I had been nominated to play piano for a song called Windows and Tom sat by me and watched.

I learnt more from Tom during that one song than I have from Doug all year so far :P

And so, I'm sitting at the piano today, practicing this song and mother-dearest calls out after I'm done "That was fantastic Jess!"

Bugger.

I mean- yay she thinks it's good. But the reason it's good is because of what Tom showed me. And I can't get him as a tutor because he's so busy.... AND I WANT LESSONS FROM HIM!!!!!
Which is also more frustrating, because once I obtain this kind of enthusiasm for something, it's hard to stop me. So, if I actually *did* get lessons with him... I would compare my flourishing abilities to an instantaneous chemical reaction.
He is definitely the catalyst I've been waiting for, and it's driving me crazy!

Anyway.

BALL WAS FUN! Okay, so I was feeling rather sick that night, and had this horrible nausea wave over-take me every half hour or so, but the fun I had definitely outweighed that rather nasty negative. In fact, I'm just thankful I didn't throw up. Yay for God. Kind of interesting really... everytime I felt like I was about to be overcome by it, I'd end up in the toilets praying, and it would ease off. All good. :)
However, 48 hours later... those who were there know that I had a mask painted onto my face in silver, gold and sparkles...

...which I now have reacted to :P Stupid sensitive skin... My neck, because the right side of the mask spiraled down my neck and across my shoulder, now has horrible red marks in various places (And I am now going to preempt all you smartasses....THEY'RE *NOT* HICKEYS!!!!!) and they itch too *sigh* At least my face hasn't reacted as badly. My neck is definitely a lot more sensitive than my face, unfortunately. Hopefully they'll be gone by tomorrow.
I'm going to think twice before wearing costume make-up again :P
However, I can't wait to get my photos developed from the ball. Plus the camera I had contained film of photos from other various events. *grins* muahaha including one from awhile back of Paul letting Michelle and I draw all over his face.
I promise to post some of these gems up when I get them back :D tee hee!
But I digress... um, yeah, stayed at Paul's after the ball (If your mind is in the gutter I'll rinse it out thoroughly with soap and cold water!!!!!) expecting to have girly conversations with some of the others whom I thought were staying but nooooo most people decided to go home! *pouts* THEN those who came back for at least awhile decided to watch the Olympics?!?!
Considering it was about 2am, I figured I may as well go to bed :P

I was up before Paul too which was pretty impressive for me, considering I like to sleep all day *grins*, however, he and the others didn't get to bed until about 5am, so, I guess I shouldn't be too happy with myself, lol.
Anyhoo, he looks pretty adorable in the mornings *grins* In the words of Kelly- WHO'S A CUTIE?!?!?! :D lol
Personally, I think I look like a fuzzy bear, so hopefully I didn't scare anyone too much.
...It SNOWED! Well, I'm sure you're all aware of this lol, but it was so beautiful out at Paul's with the large grounds and all the trees. PRETTY!!!!! :D
So, I had an awesome weekend...well, apart from the moments on Sunday when I was having major issues with my sitiophobia. Being at someone's house during lunch and dinner (breakfast being kinda non-existent considering the time we woke up, lol) was very hard for me.
I hate it so much. Paul is so good about it too, which funnily enough, actually makes it harder for me in some ways because... I don't know how to put it...
I'm alright dealing with it on my own, but being in a relationship- I feel like I'm suddenly burdening someone else with my crap, and I don't think it's fair on them. :( And it's also... although it actually feels like a relief to be able to share how I'm feeling about it with someone, it's the same issue of- I don't like putting my problems on the shoulders of other people, if that makes sense.
I mean I don't mind doing so if it's just "I'm feeling down today" or "I had a hard day at university/work/whatever".. because those kinds of things are brief, and they come and go, because they're just the down parts in what I like to call the "sine curve of life" (hopefully if you all remember highschool mathematics, you know what I'm saying. haha!)...
However my sitiophobia... It's there. Always. And I can't help thinking...why would anyone else want to deal with me being like this?
And I'm scared. This past year it's been more and more in my face than ever before... maybe it's the result of praying for change, but if so, that's kinda scary because... it's not changing, I'm just getting more and more desperate about it! And since I'm trying to be honest on my blog, it probably won't be long before I do something really stupid because of it. And of course, that makes me feel worse, because I don't want Paul to have to deal with me being psycho... It's just not fair on him.
Sometimes I feel like I'm making it all up too. Like I could just shake myself out of a day-dream and eat like a normal person. Sometimes I feel like I'm an attention-seeking git... "oh! look at me! I have issues! Everyone pay attention to meeeee!!!!".
Gah. That sucks.
But then again, it's here. Always. Screwing with my head, and my self-esteem. And my relationships with people.

Hopefully Paul's family doesn't think I'm too weird. :P His mum kept asking me if I wanted something to eat, which I know was just her being nice, but I was quite ready to jump up and run out of the room (which definitely would have had them questioning my sanity. But anyway.)... I felt like a coiled spring- just that horrible tension.

I wish it was something physical. Like I actually had some kind of deadly allergic reaction to food (which apparently can happen)... but no. It's all in my mind. Which makes me feel even worse because it's like- I have no control over MY OWN MIND. GAH!!!! I'm *actually* psychotic! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

Sigh...again, I'm back to the issue of sitiophobia on my blog.
Even here, it always comes back to that. Just as it always does it general life.
And yeah, the more I think about it the worse I feel. I mean, I had an awesome weekend, tainted only by my terror of food...

... And the fact that now it's not only affecting me, but how I interact with Paul. As I keep saying... I can deal with it on my own, but I hate it even more now that someone else has to deal with me like this.
Through my eyes, well... Paul appears to be this fun, caring, happy and positive person. And me? Yeah, I have the capacity to be like that... until my eating disorder gets in the way, and then I start feeling like a horrible negative influence, possibly sucking the positiveness out of Paul. Mum would always tell me to distance myself from negative people because they are horrible energy drainers, and can make life exceedingly difficult and tiresome. I'm not sure it occured to her I just might be one of those negative influences, sucking positive energy out of people like Paul :P And anyone else for that matter who is around me when I'm dealing with this...
And so, he might disagree with me, probably does since he's most likely reading this too, however, that's still one of my greatest fears...
how long will it last? How long before someone gets frustrated with me, angry with me even? And is it really so stupid of me to believe that will happen? Because it has.
And it just hurts. Because I feel really really helpless in all this, but also extremely ashamed and embarrassed of myself.
...anndddd I'm gonna start crying - AGAIN- if I don't shut up now and stop thinking about how I have no idea how to fix this, and of the many times I have failed when I've attempted to do so, and the thought of trying again hurts *so* much.
Maybe I should get myself committed. heh...
Mum told me once they have a ward at some hospital for these kinds of fears etc, that works on the whole reward/punishment system. Eg, if I didn't eat, visiting rights from family etc would be taken from me, I wouldn't be fed anything else...that kind of thing.
Problem is, I have this very distinct mental picture of me cold, shivering, naked on the floor and starving because *that* is how far I'm willing to go, out of terror of food.
They'd probably have to give me some kind of I.V just to keep me alive.... heh.
But the thing is, my desperation has reached the level of me seriously thinking about that. It would be difficult, yes (and knowing me, yeah I probably would end up in that exact position, being fed through an intravenous drip :S) but... you know what's more difficult? Other people. I'd rather be in that kind of environment, shut off from the world than try and fix this among friends because of the humiliation I feel trying to do so. I suppose it's a matter of pride, which I know is really really stupid but... I can't really explain it any better than- life is distracting, and it's easier to avoid this when I have other things to do.
But being shut away in a hospital ward, faced with no other choice...
Sometimes it seems like that's the only option I have left.
And the thought really terrifies me... and oh goodie, here come the tears...

I just really wish God would wave His magic wand and make it all disappear. Because right now, hacking at my own skin seems like a great alternative. I was avoiding saying that this entire post, but there's a little insight for all you people out there into my history. Heh...not even my parents know that, yet I'm telling the world on my blog.
But it's harder to tell my own parents, because I know what my mother is like particularly. Those failed attempts in the past to change, were her idea. And I just can't deal with that kind of pressure from people I know. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, which is why the hospital ward idea seems like a good alternative, though at the same time extremely terrifying.

I need to be alone, but I dont want to *be* alone.

And now I'm really tired... so I'm going to go and brood about this. Or do one of my miraculous mood swings- that in an attempt to forget about it, I take on a completely different persona. However, that's gotten me into major trouble in the past, so I might rethink that. :P heh.

I hate this. My sitiophobia has been the core problem of every stupid psycho-mental problem I've ever had. Depression, dissociation... ick.
I need God. He always calms me down, but... what about the actual issue, God? Why won't You change it?

Please change it...

Or is that the thing? Are You the cause of this sudden desperation and *I* have to change it? Because I don't know how to. It's too hard for me. And I feel really really pathetic and weak saying that, but hey, I'm a coward at heart. So there you go.
Moses didn't want to lead Your people out of Israel, but He went anyway. Abraham was ready to sacrifice his only son at your command...
And me?
I couldn't eat even if you came to me in the form of a lightning cloud with a scary voice booming down at me, commanding me to do so. Sure...I'd probably try (cause I'd be more scared of You at that point in time than food, heh...), but it just reminds me of that time when I was eight years old and threatened by some adults with all kinds of punishments. I was force-fed, and yeah, I ended up eating...
...then throwing up everywhere :P
I could eat if pushed. But there's no joy in it. Just an all-consuming terror that saps whatever energy I have left until I literally pass out on the floor. And what scares me more, is that I'm not exaggerating.

What am I meant to do?

40 Days of Pointless???

2004-08-10T23:05:00.000+12:00

Got back from my cell group that's doing that "40 Days of Purpose" journey. And...
ARGHHHHHHHHH! Don't ever get put in a group containing Richard, Matt, Ben and Greg because they will totally sidetrack you with random bizarre tangents! Once the study was finished for the evening, they spent about an hour talking about the "concept of time", and were STILL AT IT WHEN I LEFT. :P

I personally am finding the whole study thing very interesting, I mean, if you think about it, I really am still a newbie Christian, and so I require this kind of thing to help me get more involved...
However at the same time, when we got to the discussion questions- I think everyone started going off on random tangents, and began asking questions on top of the discussion questions, which really defeated the purpose of the excercise.

One thing I think people need to know about me, is I am goal driven. My entire life, everything I do I've always had a very real need to be aiming for something. To have some purpose to what I do... I used to see a psychologist, a few months before I started coming to church, and while it was helpful at first for some of the issues I was having with depression and stuff, it reached a point where it stopped being helpful, and I realised I could go no further with her, because my questions and "issues" started becoming really spiritual in nature.
To explain what I mean, I'll have to describe what I was doing with that psychologist... she was helping me uncover my "core beliefs", the things that define the way you think and why you react to things and do things the way you do. And one of my major ones was "Everything I do must have some kind of purpose"...I could get into a long story as to *why* I have that belief, but that's another issue altogether. In any case, eventually my conversations with her turned to questions like the meaning of life. I was depressed because I felt there really was no reason to be doing any of the things I was doing, because we all die in the end anyway :P Thus, I needed God. Cause really, what *is* the meaning of life without God?

The reason I bring this up is relative to the latest 40 Days meeting... I find discussion utterly pointless if there isn't some goal to it. Some people enjoy just throwing ideas around, regardless of whether or not there is a conclusion to it, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
For me personally however, I like to come to a conclusion within a discussion, even if it's only something I've decided in my own head.

First question:
"You have just heard that the life lived for God's pleasure is the good life. Why is that such a radical statement in light of our culture?"

I would have thought that relatively easy to answer since the question was to do with what would the rest of the world think of that statement in this day and age?
However, we spent the next hour talking about the relevance of the word "pleasure" and is a christian life "good" as such, and was life meant to be completely enjoyable, and if so then where does the concept of sacrificing yourself for God come into it and...

and LAH DEE DAH.

I'm not saying it's not interesting. I just feel, does it really matter in the end? All this discussion gets you nowhere, because in the end you're really just speculating about God's plans, and no-one can anticipate His intentions for us, or why He does anything.
I totally agree with something Michelle said in one of her more recent posts, that although one shouldn't have blind faith, there's a certain point where you just have to stop questioning everything, and just believe.
Maybe it's because I'm a newbie Christian that I still have a rather childlike, simplistic faith about it all- in fact it probably is- but my conclusion is this: God is there, He loves me, and I'm going to try and be the best I can be for Him, because that's all I can do.
...is it really any more complicated than that? I don't know about the rest of you reading this, but if I find I'm questioning what I'm doing and confusing myself, I just simplify it back down to that one statement, and things become a whole lot clearer for me.
You can spend your entire life wondering, but well... I think it really comes down to your heart being in the right place (please don't take me completely literally on that one. Hitler thought he was "doing the right thing" by killing Jews, so obviously there are exceptions :P).
God *knows* we're not perfect, He just wants us to give our best. And if I have this entirely wrong then please, enlighten me :P Because I'm not entirely sure what else there is I could possibly do than try my best when we're all inherently sinners? :P

In Other News...

Meah, It's now midnight and I really should get to bed. I can write about random stuff later. *grins* The only other thing I really want to say is... I started feeling better about my sitiophobia since my last post, then I felt sucky again after getting Michelle's invite to her party.
Dinner party. In fact, whole weekend= eating at some point or another.
Goodie for me. :P
Guess I'll have to email her about that at some stage... heh.
I hate this simply because it interferes in so many things I want to do. Trapped. And Haunted. Just as the song says. *sigh*
More later as it develops.
Same cat-time, same cat-channel. :D

Tired

2004-08-06T21:30:00.000+12:00

Not feeling the best today, both physically and emotionally.

Still suffering wonderful flu symptoms with my cough having turned into this loud, hacking, phlegm-y sound :P lol

and emotionally? Having one of those days where I feel all crappy about my eating disorder... I don't know. Sometimes it just gets set off.
Liam and I were listening to some good Christian music in store at work today and some of the lyrics just got me thinking... he also left work for about an hour to go to some kind of healing christian-counselling session thing, which also made me think... will this ever go away? *sigh*

I don't really have much to say other than, after all these years... I've finally written a song about it. So, dear readers, I present to you the lyrics for "Haunted".

So Far So Good

2004-08-05T12:41:00.000+12:00

I hope I don't tempt fate by saying this but:

w00t! Am having an awesome day so far! :D You know how you get some days where everything just seems to be going so well, like everything is falling into place? I'm having one of those days... though being the "optimist" (haha) I am, now I'm just anticipating the storm after this calm patch, lol.

... Although I suppose one could say this is my calm *after* the storm. I finally had my Arranging assignment recorded today (after all the stress I've been through over it these last couple of months- particularly more recently! See previous posts!), so that's all out of the way (well, until I get the next one! haHA!) and I've finally gotten around to taking care of little bits and pieces that I've been pushing back on my priorities list for *months* because they weren't that important, but needed to be done nonetheless at some stage...So I'm slowly crawling out of the hole I dug myself this year! :) tee hee

In any case, my arranging went really well! I was stoked...I think. I mean, I was annoyed that the saxophones stuffed up their parts a little, but overall the effect was good. I was first up, and I had a lot of people tell me mine was "fantastic" afterwards and one of the others didn't want to go after me, lol. That was really encouraging because... as a composer, I always have this habit of absolutely loving what I'm writing when I first set out on it, but by the end I've heard it so many times and gone over it and over it that I become sick of the song and decide what I've written is...well... crap :P
In fact I'm still trying to decide whether or not the compliments are genuine. I'm quite critical of my own work, and jazz school is notorious for kind-hearted individuals who mean well by saying "good job" when really they're just being nice! lol
I just want to hear the recording now!!!!!! Of course, knowing me, once I get a hold of it I'll listen to it over and over until I've absolutely picked it apart and decide it's crap anyway.
Have you ever found a good photo of yourself and stared at it long enough that you find *something* wrong with it? Kind of like that...

But in any case, the recording went well, and I got nice compliments, which was a soothing balm for what's left of my wounded ego after being torn apart at jazz school! lol
Asides from that, I also finally got my jazz history essay back and discovered I got 100%. SWEET! :D
Right, lunch hour is nearly finished and I have my second hour of jazz history to attend, so I shall continue this at some other stage! :)

work work work work work....BLOG!!! runs around the circle

2004-08-02T21:03:00.000+12:00

*yawns*
Nothing like a long hot shower in the evening, followed by a hot drink, then curling up on a chair in a dressing gown to blog :D lol
heheh... ohhhhhh it's been a long day. People actually showed up to my arranging rehearsal- I was so happy I could have cried! *grins*
Unfortunately about a million other things went wrong so I've spent the better part of the afternoon and evening making phone calls and fixing various instrument parts on the computer. For any music geeks reading this: Sibelius, for some bizarre reason, completely screwed up the transposition of the tenor saxophones, so I had to go through and manually correct each note individually :P ARGH!
I've also discovered I'm first up for recording on Thursday. *sigh* joy of joys :P :P :P :P It's just so annoying because your *entire* mark rides on other people bothering to show up :P I don't think that's fair really. (The deal is you get a big fat zero if you don't get your arrangement recorded on the set day :P Rather cruel!)
Asides from this I have sooo many other things to take care of- both within jazz school and outside of it... but I really can't be bothered dealing with it right now, I'm all nice and relaxed after my shower! lol
As stressed as I have been today, like I said at the beginning of this post... hot showers are good! mmmm.... so right now I don't actually feel capable of getting worried about anything. It's great :) Sooooo relaxed... in fact, screw blogging... I'm going to bed to read the bible. Ciao! ;)

Music and God (Well...that just summed up my life nicely :P)

2004-08-01T23:15:00.000+12:00

Well, I've tried and failed miserably to fix the darn header-background, so it can stay as it is for all I care (until it annoys one of you computer-geeks, forcing you to fix it for me! muahahah =^_^=)... so now I'm going to get on with more important things, like blogging about random jess-stuff :D

I've got a rehearsal organised for tomorrow to go through my arrangement, however I'm fairly worried about whether or not everyone will show up. People can be so highly unreliable when it comes to this kind of thing. Plus I unfortunately had to organise it for the morning, and jazz musicians are notorious for sleeping in...me being a good case in point :p HOWEVER I would like to defend myself, in that if someone is depending on me for something, I *will* get up lol... I'm just not sure whether or not I can vouch for my fellow jazz-cats :S

Not to mention, although I gave everyone their parts, I've spent this evening printing out more because at least 90% of the time they will have either lost it, or left it at home. :P
Unfortunately, obviously Murphy's Law decided to point the finger at me and laugh, because my printer stopped working, ran out of ink, got paper jammed in it, then started printing black smudges on the music... -_-
Two hours later, I've finally managed to get them printed out, after spending copious amounts of time attempting to outsmart my computer!

In Other News...

Been rather moody over the weekend. I wasn't entirely sure why, but then I had some awesome God-and-Me time, and now I feel all happy again.
After analysing this response, and previous experiences with this, I've come to the conclusion I have some kind of built in "reaction" when I haven't been spending enough time focusing on God. It's great to have, and rather fascinating.
In my testimonial when I got baptised last year, I mentioned how... well, over the history of my life so far I've suffered from extremely bad depression (which resulted in me doing really stupid things I'd rather not remember anymore, but that's another story), and looking back on it, I've managed to pinpoint it's "roots" from about the age of eleven. Which is when my family stopped going to church.
hmmmmm is all I have to say to that :P
I was brought up in a Christian home, and my life was dedicated to God when I was born.. and I've noticed that the further I walked away from God, the more hideously depressed I would become. Not that I realised this at the time, but analysing it now, with my present scenario... it makes sense.
It's like being near the warmth of the fire, and the further you move away, the colder you become. Everyone talks about the gifts people have from God, and I think mine include my sensitivity and intuition (and my music- which I shall get onto later...). I'm always highly aware of other people's emotions (which I think is why some people are uncomfortable around me for what *appears* to be no good reason. I tend to see through walls they've erected and that upsets them. I don't mean to...it just happens) and in a way, I think I have a built in..."radar for God" almost... How about the rest of you? I don't think I really *have* an option to turn away from Him, because it's built into me to acknowledge Him. I've thought about this a lot and I think there must be a reason for this. I mean, we are told we were given the freedom of choice- to acknowledge God or not... but I personally feel like I never really had that choice. Yes, I could actively choose the other way, but I pay hell for it emotionally as a result. Even now- if I haven't spent time with God, I feel that familiar feeling of dread... that feeling that comes before the darkness of depression closes in.
Does anyone else have something like this? What got me thinking about this is Michelle mentioning that friend who has stopped being a Christian. I just wonder how that is possible sometimes, and what the result will be. I find it fascinating that some people can live so completely oblivious of God, while others like me have *always* had this...constant awareness...
And I wonder about an old friend of mine, by the name of Laura. I remember her way back in 3rd Form as the lunatic christian- she was really full on, totally into tongues and everything. She got teased for it I remember by the others, but she stood firm. I drifted into a different group of friends during the senior years of high-school, so I never saw her.
But I caught up with her last year, and wow. Physically, her appearance is gothic and she has this horrible haunted look in her eyes. Emotionally??? Turns out she's been diagnosed as schizophrenic, tried killing herself multiple times, over-dosed in seventh form (and I feel worse because I never even knew) and drinks, smokes, and cusses like a sailor. It's *incredible* the turn around...and it makes me wonder, when did it all change? Is this a result of turning away from God? I've come to the conclusion that in many ways, people who *have* been Christian and *then* turn away are worse off than people who never knew God in the first place... because it's the same thing with the fire analogy again. You knew the warmth, and then you leave it and find yourself feeling colder than before.

This 40 Days of Purpose thing has made me think about this...subconscious awareness I've always had regarding spiritual matters.
I remember one time when I was about 12 years old I accidentally walked in on a seance some young stupid girls were having at school. They were doing that ouija board thing, with the moving glass in the center. I didn't know what they were up to when I first entered that room, but I went entirely cold as soon as I stepped inside and could not for the life of me stop shaking. When I realised what was going on, I totally freaked out... and afterwards, I also wondered why no-one else seemed to be able to feel that constricting, choking sensation, like dead-weight pressing down. Everyone was completely normal, being silly stupid young girls as per usual, while I felt like I had just had the energy sapped out of me. :P

...just before I started going to ABC last year, I found this old plaque that was a gift at my dedication as a child... It has my name, it's meaning, then a chosen bible-quote engraved into it:

Jessica-Emma
"Blessed One"
"Let me sing to the Lord, because He has dealt generously with me" Psalm 13:6

When I was baptised, people sent me all these awesome encouraging cards and congratulations etc, but what surprised me most, is that all the people who put bible passages in their messages, had the same related subject.

"Sing, O Daughter of Zion! Shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem!" Zephaniah 3:14
"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praises to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

Those are a couple of examples, but what made me think more deeply on this, was when a friend from Auckland rang and directed me to Psalm 13... the same one written on the plaque on my wall!
I guess this just makes me think that my music really is a gift.

Anyhoo, I'd write on this more but it's quite late now and I have class at 9am :P boo.
In any case, regardless of whether or not people agree with the things said in the 40 Days of Purpose scheme, I think it's definitely an interesting excercise to make you think about your relationship with God.

HTML Help

2004-07-29T21:27:00.000+12:00

...As people can see, I'm attempting once again to play around with my template, and I have a new header background... however it's cutting out half the picture...is it possible to tell my blog to resize it to fit the frame? Help would be appreciated :)

Procrastination Princess

2004-07-27T21:36:00.000+12:00

Well, not much to say really... am feeling rather restless tonight and not entirely sure why. I suppose I could go do some more piano practice but I'm not in the mood... heh :P :)
In any case, I realised I haven't updated my blog much recently. How sad! lol

The one thing I find really annoying is I can always think of something to say when I'm nowhere near a computer, but the instant I have access to updating my blog, my mind is a complete blank!...hmm...

First of all, my lil neice broke her arm last night! :( Apparently she was trying to climb out of her highchair by herself. It figures :P Being two years old, there are only a handful of words she uses and at the moment they include "arm" and "hurts"!!!!
I'm told she'll be okay, however she had to have an operation because it was a really complicated break... :S

Even though her arm is all nicely done up in plaster and she's back to her adorable self (apart from continually repeating the words "arm hurts"), I'm still rather worried about her. Considering she's only my neice and not my own daughter, it makes me wonder how high my blood pressure is going to skyrocket if I have kids of my own :P lol
I was actually on a first aid course at the beginning of the year (I like to keep up on that kind of thing. I hate feeling helpless and so I like to be prepared), and the woman in charge told us this *horrible* story about a baby who had stopped breathing and the mother was all frantic... before the ambulance arrived the mother managed to get her baby breathing again, but was in such a panic she ran outside with the baby in her arms when the ambulance arrived and tripped over a rock on the way. Baby goes flying out of her arms, head gets smashed open on concrete. Baby dies.
Now *that* is what I would call traumatic for a new mother. :( The woman directing the first aid course was very emphatic about not moving the person requiring first aid (unless to get them out of harm's way)... and that goes double for small babies since the above story is generally the result. :S

Anyhoo, I'd rather not think about such depressing things... at least Maddison Lily is still alive and it was only a broken arm. Could have been worse...again, would rather not think about it though :P heh

What else, well... here are some random words of "wisdom" from Jess:

1) Never put superglue on your duvet. Even if the bottle is capped, Murphy's Law guarantees leakage. Resulting white patches are a) unsightly and b) disturbing.
2) Use tools to apply superglue, not your fingers, or you'll find yourself missing skin.
3) Don't daydream while using superglue, or #2 will happen anyway.
4) Actually, if you're me, just don't use superglue. Hot-glue gun is better.
5) When using a hot-glue gun, don't touch the end. It burns.

...I'm sure I could think of other things, but I'm bound to have come across as a big enough fool already, so I shall leave it at that for now. :P :)

Anyhoo, I'm going to try and *actually* go to bed at a decent hour tonight. I have my academic interview tomorrow which entails the students meeting with the year co-ordinator and discussing marks etc. I'm going to have a *lot* of explaining to do regarding my attendance last term *cough* My health wasn't exactly... commendable... heheh...
Nighty night! =^_^=

Jess the Juror

2004-07-24T15:52:00.000+12:00

This is just a brief post to say:

I can't believe it- I just got a letter in the mail summoning me for jury duty :P

What are the odds? :P
I find it rather amusing actually... a 19 year old in a courtroom. HA
Not that I can do it anyway, I'm at polytech all day :P
Still, isn't the whole process of selecting jury members supposed to be random? Really, what were the odds I'd get called up?
Not that I'd make a good juror anyway- my mentality is pretty much: you do the crime, you do the time.
Anyhoo, off to get ready for my gig...

20 Pages Later...

2004-07-21T23:58:00.000+12:00

Urgh...
Haven't updated in a few days, thought I should write something now :P

Update on Jess:

Third day back at Polytech. Work overload. Have just completed a 20 page musical score for Arranging class. Will pass out in bed after finishing this post.

There are many things I wish to say or just reflect on, however I just don't have the time...
Kinda bad really. There are points in time where I just need to take some time out for myself and whatever emotional issues I might be having (eg sitiophobia stuff) but I actually quite seriously cannot take a break. And if I do have a lull, it's spent catching up with people. There are several people who are mad with me because I haven't contacted them in the last...oohhh...year :P
I haven't written in my personal diary for quite awhile and there's so much stuff I'd like to put down on paper, but I just haven't had the opportunity. Unfortunately, with jazz school sucking the life out of me, "Me" time ain't exactly high on the priorities list. :P Even "God" time is under strain...now *that* is bad :P

On the bright side, I won the informal jazz school awards for "Geek of the Year" and "Teacher's Pet"... which is the pay-off really for being a hermit :P
I'm also closely vying for the "Most McDonalds Consumed" award (what do they expect really, there's a maccas in the mobil next door to the jazz school!)

There's only one choice at Jazz School: Dedicated (and that's an understatement) Musicianship.... or a life.
Most of us are precariously trying to balance both :P
I personally want to actually finish my degree in the allotted three years, however I'm wondering at my chances, considering some people at jazz school are in their fifth year :P
Here's a brief explanation on what it's like to study music:

1. A quarter of the first years drop out in the first six months. Half of the rest drop out after the end of the year. A handful of the ones left have to repeat to pass (cause unlike at uni, Bs get Degrees at jazz school :p).
The rest of us go on to second year.

2. Of about 20 students that made it through, three or four drop out in the first six months. Some of these second year students are repeating already since I've just found out that it's not 60% that gets you into 3rd year...it's 65%... and considering my performance marks so far have been 60% and 62% I think I'm well and truly screwed...
...unless that's only for Performance majors... I'm going to major in Arranging so hopefully that's okay.

Either way, I'm thinking I might take a year off next year cause the stress is getting to be a bit much. And for someone who quite honestly usually never bats an eyelid at stress and just takes it in her stride, that's saying a lot about jazz school :P

Oh yeah,

3. Every single female student will break down sobbing at some stage in the year.

:P This, quite seriously, is not an exaggeration.

I've been thinking about maybe taking some part-time courses next year in various things like composing and audio engineering, while keeping up my lessons at the jazz school... I just want a chance to finally record all of my songs I've written.
I'm meant to be a *composer* and I've only written two or three songs this year...and they're just contemporary pieces. I still haven't finished the Symphony I started writing when I was 16...I just haven't had the time!!!! :P
Anyhoo, it's just an idea... it keeps me from going insane when thinking about possibly repeating this hell all over again next year. :P
Right...bed... I have a migraine from staring at orchestration on the computer for the past 48 hours! lol

Perhaps I shall write something vaguely interesting when I get this assignment out of the way... Note to Self: reorganise schedule for the next week. :P

... Stuff :P

2004-07-16T21:56:00.000+12:00

Well, I have several things to say, so I'm going to group them by category...
First of all...

Serious Stuff

Thankyou to everyone who commented on my last post about my sitiophobia issues.
I actually don't really know what to say...
I cried.
Happy tears, I might add :) It was such a relief realising "hey, they're not shunning me for it! Yay!"
When I said I wouldn't post my whole story because it was too painful I meant that... however you may wonder why I might believe you'd react negatively about it; in short, I've been traumatised by waayyy too many encounters with people who have blackmailed me, verbally abused me and literally held me down to try and force feed me :P (And this when I was only a young kid. Not fun :P)
Anyhoo I just... thankyou for the support. You're all such incredible people...annndd I'm gonna cry again, lol.

*sigh* Still, it's something I struggle with obviously. Your acceptance lightens the burden... but it's still very heavy and sometimes I just feel like I'm breaking under the strain. I'm just happy to know you guys are praying for me because well, here's hoping... :S

Not So Serious (But Relative) Stuff

Inspired by so many people posting poems, and the song lyrics Reuben left in the comments section of my sitiophobia post, here are some links to some songs I've written over the past five years relating in some form or another to some of the crap I've felt regarding this and other things. It seems from the blogs I've been reading recently that most of you can relate in some way or another which I guess just proves the point that God reveals himself when we are at our lowest... which makes sense; you would give aid to a drowning man over one that is in a lifeboat. :)
Here are the links to the songs where I've been storing them on the web (In order of when written, earliest to latest):

Yesterday's Ghost (..bittersweet I suppose. Not overly dark.)
Amnesia (major angst, not for the faint of heart :P)
Daisy Chain (philosophic melancholy)
Broken (...from the pit of my worst. Not advised for the sensitive...I'd say don't read it at all, but that's how the cat got killed :P)

Erm...I also just realised those songs are going to make me sound awfully depressed but please keep in mind they're literally years old now. And I don't just write angst, lol... they're just some I picked out in relation to the whole sitiophobia thing and various other things I've gone through as a result (eg, depression and whatnot).
Just so I don't seem like a dark nutcase, here are some of my more recent songs:

My Lord, My Friend, My Guide (title makes it kinda obvious :D)
Angel in the Rain (For the people close to me)
Somehow (Erm... I'm currently still working on this one! Yep, it's *that* recent! ~_~)

Just a note- if they don't seem to flow, keep in mind they're not poems, they're *song lyrics* and they've been written with a particular musical intention... *sigh* Once I eventually get around to recording them all, it'll be much better, lol.

Random Stuff

Hmm...lessee...well first of all, I just want to vent a little steam and say how mad it makes me when people steal stuff from my work *scowls*
On my shift tonight a guy had the nerve to steal a CD right from under my nose (which just frustrated me even more because I should have caught him!!!! GRRR!!!)... although it was rather difficult. He asked to listen to about six CDs so there were covers and discs scattered everywhere. Then he bought one and left (ooohhh how clever! I mean, who suspects a legit customer?)... I didn't notice till I started cleaning them up. He took the partner disc to a Jurassic 5 double disc set... which means I now have a mismatch. I mean really, if people are gonna steal something, take the whole thing!!!!! :P We have *LITERALLY* BOXES of "mismatches": cds with stolen covers, covers with stolen cds, double sets missing a disc... :P
And that's just our store :P I won't even go into what it's like at our Cashel St store (being the centre of town!)...

Anyhoo, what else... well, back to Polytech for me on Monday. Speaking of which, keeping in line with everyone posting their timetables, here's mine for those of you who would like to stalk me. :)
*Sigh* It's going to be one hectic term...hmm...

As for other random information- I have finally seen the movie The Princess Bride (and considering what a girly-girl I am that shocked many people that found out I had not seen it)...I hung out with my best mate Thursday night and we watched movies on her wide-screen laptop :D The sound quality ain't the best though...hmm..
Anyhoo, The Princess Bride was great. The ultimate in humourous cheese- and also one extremely hot hero in a black mask *swoons*... there's just something about a guy in that kind of get-up lol ;) :) AND can swordfight... enough with the stupid guns, us girls aren't impressed! Ye Olde Swordfighting hoorah! :D

*ahem* And considering how late it's getting on my end right now, I shall have to continue this at some other stage.
Have a good weekend people! :)

- The Kitten =^_^=

Honesty Is The Best Policy...

2004-07-12T01:04:00.000+12:00

Right...it's exceedingly early in the morning as I write this (so please excuse any coherency issues lol), but I'm one of those people that once I get an idea to do something in my head, I won't be able to rest until I put it into action.
It's something I've told only a couple of you and the thing is, I thought it best to inform everyone because it's something I can't easily hide without raising questions... it's also the reason why most of you have probably seen me bawling my eyes out at church (numerous times), and it's something that affects me so deeply that my ability to communicate verbally is badly compromised, so blogger is the next best thing. I've always been better with the written word anyway... I know many of you think the internet probably isn't the best place to speak of something personal, but frankly this is for the people who know who I am, and it'll be pretty much anonymous for anyone else who happens to stumble across my blog. Because of the nature of my "personal issue" I'm not allowed much privacy anyway... And who knows, maybe it'll help someone else out there to know they're not alone (cause I could sure do with some of that empathy myself)...
Anyhoo, I'm sure I have most of you well and truly confused by now, so I'll just get on with it:

I have an eating disorder. And not your average garden variety type either... it's neither bulemia nor anorexia (cause frankly I have no body-image issues, and the stuff I eat is about as fatty and unhealthy as it gets. HA)
It's something known as sitiophobia which is a fear of food and eating. I've had this since I was BORN... it's not something that has developed over time, I've just simply grown up with it, and it's all I've ever known.
Why am I telling you this? I figure it'll come out eventually anyway. People can generally hide their issues, at least until they get married or something... but I have to live with this 24/7 and considering how much importance is placed on food in social interaction, it's made having friends and going places with them an absolute nightmare for me.
I've been to three counsellors, two psychologists and one nutritionist...and I still have this. For me the terror of eating most foods runs so deep that I'll face death before doing so. My first ever camp in my childhood was a week long and I didn't eat for the whole thing, fainting on the last day. The extent of what I'm capable of to avoid food terrifies me in and of itself (trust me, you don't want to know :P)...
Most "experts" I've been to at least agree it's the traumatic result of losing my biological parents at the age of 14 months old...plus my birth mother was on various anti-depressant medications while pregnant with me, and also during breast-feeding before she died, so that probably affected me a bit too... not to mention that I was never started on solids and my mother was too ill to take care of me properly...but I digress.
I'm not going to write my full in-depth story on here. It's too painful. Though any of you are welcome to ask me about it in person... I just wanted to give a more superficial over-view in case any of you start wondering why I a) don't eat much around you or b) decline invitations of going out somewhere to eat...or camps and such (the bane of my existence).
From a detached, psychological point of view- the whole thing is rather interesting in how it has affected my perception of social eating, having had it my entire life... food holds NO interest for me whatsoever, in fact, I can't understand how other people can enjoy it so much. I have, in all honesty, eaten pretty much the EXACT same food every day of my entire life. Most people would find that boring, but frankly I don't care.
The way I first explain it to people is this:
Most people live to eat. I eat to live.
Obviously I eat some things (otherwise I really WOULD be dead, heh), just my diet is extremely limited...to the extent that I'm downing numerous vitamin pills, iron tablets and this really nasty tasting "dietary supplement" drink every morning.
... I've become pretty legendary at swallowing pills, lol!
However, it's still made life rather a chore sometimes and more often than not I'd rather not get out of bed in the morning...actually, it accounts for why I can sleep more than most people since I don't have the same amounts of energy as your average "young adult" :P
It prevents me from doing many things I'd like to do, but I've never admitted that to myself before...or maybe it hasn't mattered before... the older I get the more I have planned to do, and find myself trapped by this eating disorder...

People tell me to get help, but I've been there and done that (as aforementioned)...and I've even tried doing it on my own, since I'm quite aware that no one can help me but me (and God, which I'll get onto in a second...)... however, considering I still have this, I've obviously failed miserably, and being faced with that kind of failure over and over again has become way too distressing for me to handle much more.
You ever heard of someone losing all hope? It seems like some mythical creature or hypothetical situation but guess what?
You have now encountered someone who has seriously lost all hope.
Do you know what it's like to have something like this haunting your every step for 19 years? That it's all you've ever known, and you can't even *comprehend* life without it? In fact, I think that might also be something that stops me... I'm afraid of *not* having it! It's so engrained into my life it's developed who I am. My "hermit" characteristics are *because* of this...avoiding people so I don't have to deal with this more than need be...
It's easier not to hope in many ways. Like someone losing a leg...it's gone, it's *obvious* you're not going to walk again so you learn to live with it. But what if someone told you it could grow back or something?
In not hoping I've been able to live with it this long and just accept the disabilities it places on me.
Which is why I've been crying in church. To be told that God could change this... and suddenly realise that maybe just maybe I might be able to do all the things I haven't dared dream of in the past?
It was fine being trapped in a dark little box because that's all I knew, but it's like someone poked eye-holes in the sides so I could see what was out there... but I'm still trapped in the dark little box.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless you can't see the grass in the first place.
And unfortunately the hope that God will change this has opened my eyes to the grass on the other side. I say "unfortunately" because what if this doesn't change? I'm worse off than before. I'm afraid it won't change and I'm afraid it will. I'm not sure if that will make sense to any of you, but that's what it's like.
I think the real clincher is that I've been told numerous times that I have to "take charge" and "do it myself" which makes sense but...
I don't have the energy to do so. And the reason I don't have the energy to do so is because of the eating disorder.
Most of the time I just want to lie down and sleep for the rest of my life because I'm just so tired.
There are only three things I've been chanting to myself when I've been crying in church and they are as follows:

1) Please God, take it away. Just take it away.
2) I'm just so tired. So tired...
3) I can't take this anymore.

And the main reason I don't tell people this normally is that they want to change it. I want to change it too, but no one seems to understand how much I have *tried* and every added failure on top of the last one is that much more painful. And moreso because people get mad at me, and frustrated with me... I feel pushed and that makes it all the more stressful. High expectations of something that I personally don't feel I'm capable of. The anger from those closest to me for not being able to do something seemingly simple like eating. I've lost count of the humiliating number of times I've thrown up in front of people.
I hate eating in front of people...but that, among many other things, I've just had to deal with in public. I've become a class-act at hiding it really. Maybe that's where I learnt to dissociate... even the smell of food can make me feel sick, but again, that's just something I have to deal with.
I'm not looking for pity or attention, in fact I hate that because of this. I'm just looking for a little bit of understanding, that even if you don't know why this is so hard for me, you'll at least accept that I have it.
I'm just tired of having to explain this to people...maybe now I can just direct them to my blog :P I'm tired of having to deal with this in general. I want God to change this. And I know he can. Which makes it worse, because I've begun to hope it'll happen and if he says no, I don't know what I'll do.
Now, I'm really tired in a different sense. I need my sleep. As per usual. I might come back and add more to this or change it, if people have questions...
Thanks for all the hugs and support at church, even if you didn't know what I was crying for. I guess I felt I owed people an explanation for that, and for future times... and I'm just hoping there won't be many more future times because I can't take much more of this. Maybe I just need to be committed by the men in white coats for awhile.
But I guess I'm just hoping I'll wake up one day and God will have fixed everything.
I don't even know *how* he'd change this... all I know is, I'm slowly going insane and I'm scared I'll do something stupid, I'm *that* frustrated. Every "little" issue I've ever had over my life time (depression, etc) seems to have come back to this.
Like I said before- I'm not looking for attention... I just thought everyone should know. And it's easier to explain in one mass blog than individually. I guess the only thing I really would ask asides from just accepting me as I am, is that you might think of me in your prayers for God to change it. Because no one else has ever been able to change it, myself included. And I'm just too tired to try myself anymore.
Thanks for your time.

What a Week...

2004-07-08T20:22:00.000+12:00

hmm, well, everyone have fun at my place? :D

Monty Python Marathon was a complete success as far as I'm concerned... I really had a whole lot of fun and enjoyed myself immensely! :) Pity it had to come to an end... though maybe now I'll actually go to sleep at a good hour, instead of having two hours "napping" pretty much, then going to work :P

*moans* I have a headache from lack of sleep...urgh....
I think I'll go curl up under the blankets of my bed with a hot drink and spend some time with God since I've been feeling a little..."adrift", as such... for awhile.

Plus I need to lie down and sleep *really* bad- it's been a lonnnnngggg day since I had to work the full shift at Sounds...I had to Open *and* Close, and man was that a long day, lol!
I was also on with a girl from another store who wasn't familiar with our layout so I had to explain everything as well- not that I mind, I'm just really tired now! hahha...

It was very interesting actually. She's 16 years old, and is 6 months pregnant!!!! The father is apparently in prison...wonderful :P
And she explained this all to me, within the first minute of my meeting her, in such a cheery tone I wasn't entirely sure what to say... "oh that's nice" didn't seem appropriate :P
She seemed really happy about it all too... I think I'd be sobbing in my room if I was sixteen and discovered I was pregnant!...maybe she's already done that, who knows...I mean, she is six months along.
She looks great though. I think pregnant women are beautiful. I've always loved photography and am absolutely fascinated with the human form, women especially.
Face it guys, us girls are just nicer to look at! :P lol I think the female form just...flows, if that makes sense (probably will to you artsy people at least *grins*)..like a continuous, soft flowing curve of movement. I think the male form is a lot more angular...which is still fascinating, but I think girls are more aesthetically pleasing... anyhoo, that's my art-geek tangent for now lol :) What I was trying to say is I think pregnant women are great. I did some photos of my brother's wife when she was pregnant, lovely black and white stuff...

It's kinda weird really. I used to hate kids...
seriously, no exaggeration...I full on hated them. And you know how everyone has "buttons" in a way which set them off? Mine was "try to tell me I'm going to change my mind and have kids and I'll bite your head off" heh :P
Maddison-Lily (my brother's daughter) thawed my heart somewhat, but I think the real credit goes to God. Honestly I've done such a complete 180 about children that if you knew me from before you'd be astounded. I definitely think that's one of the major things where you can see God has obviously changed my life... I think I knew things had changed a couple of months ago when my brother brought Maddison around to say hello and the first thing she did was run up to me and give me a hug.

I swear I melted into a puddle on the floor :P lol

I mean, I still have my issues (sometimes I feel like I have more than my fair share really :P) over certain things... I have now discovered to my surprise that I want kids, but my ermm...physical health ain't exactly...safe. *sigh* But that's another story. Not for public blogging. lol :)
Anyhoo, yeah... just thought I'd share with you lovely people out there one of many ways in which God has changed my heart.
And now, I'm off to bed for some much needed God-time. Later! ~_~

Monty Python Madness

2004-07-02T21:51:00.000+12:00

Okay, I thought I'd "advertise" this in case I don't get a chance to over the weekend... I've been commandeered to work over the weekend and most of next week which means goodbye holidays really :P
Anyhoo, I've noticed some people are going insane with boredom and want something to do, and although I have been planning this for awhile (to keep *me* from going insane at Jazz School :P) I figured now would be the perfect opportunity considering everyone will be on holiday next week.
On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night you guys (ie, the people I *know* that are reading this lol) are welcome at my place nightly for your Monty Python viewing pleasure! :D Even if you're not into Monty Python, I'm sure you'll have fun anyway and it won't necessarily be going all night... that's just my main intent. :)
Details are as follows:

Who: Anyone who is bored looking for a good laugh :)

When: 6:30pm onwards Mon-Weds until I kick you out because I have work the next day *grins* NB: though you can come anytime Monday since that's the one day I have off :D

Where: My house- and I'm not stupid enough to advertise my address on the web :P So, if you don't know where I live, you can email me (Brehaut and Nathan have my email) or just ask Ruth or Paul for my phone number/address...I'm not sure if anyone else has my details...

What: Please bring a sense of humour, food (my parents are in Hawai'i so the cupboards are kinda bare lol), coffee if you're Brehaut (though we have an Espresso machine...I just don't know how to use it! heheh) and cellphones in case there is a need to text quotes to The Fridge ;) lol

Why:...Because I can can can :D

How: Well, that's your choice...though I "Physical Challenge" someone to fly!!!!

Note for the Girls:....PLEASE COME! I don't care if you don't like Monty Python...I just don't want to be the only girl!!!!! SAVE ME!!!!

I'd appreciate it if people could reply to this post and let me know whether or not they're interested to show up on one or all of the nights...I'd like to know numbers cause if there are a lot of people I'll drag the TV downstairs into the lounge where there's a nice big fireplace and comfy couches/beanbags *grins*
However, to do so...because I'm a girly girl, I'm going to need a manly man to help me carry it, since I'm pretty sure the TV weighs more than my own body weight :P

Oh, Nathan also asked which Monty Python videos I'll be showing, well...I'm open to suggestions. Take a vote maybe? Feature-lengths or the show-skits? :) And again, doesn't have to be M.P every night, it's negotiable ~_~ (Particularly if it'll entice the non-Monty Python girls to come! lol)

Well, this is my plan, let me know if you're in and what night(s)! :)

Holidays

2004-07-01T17:34:00.000+12:00

HURRAH! I am on holiday! Well, relatively...:P
I had my theory exam yesterday morning and it was SO EASY...well, for me at least. Two hours long and I finished it in one! haha... yeah I know, the next question is whether or not I got my answers right, but I answered absolutely everything with ease so hopefully it's all good. I feel pleased because it means I'm still on top with the undefeated title of "Queen of Jazz Theory" LOL. I have to say, I had been kind of worried because this year the music theory has been a LOT more complicated and I couldn't make sense of what our tutor Bob was saying in class...but once I got down and studied it, everything clicked into place. I think I shall give the glory of that to God helping me out, because I had no idea what was going on until I prayed about it, then stuff suddenly started making sense (WOO! :D)
Anyhoo, long story short- I'm pretty sure I did well and I am now FREE...well, again, relatively :P
I have a lot of work to do in the holidays if I want to stay on top of things. Including a major Arranging assignment...it was given to us half way through the term, and I still haven't started it :P. It's due first week back. However, I know what piece of music I'm going to arrange- which is more than I can say for the rest of the second year jazz students, lol! I love composing anyhow, so I'm going to have fun with that assignment...

Anyway, I'd write more but I'm off to SPIDERMAN 2 tonight!!!! :D But before I go, only a couple of things:

1) You may have noticed my blog getting more girly (unless you're Brehaut and own a stupid mac computer that doesn't have the same type fonts :P)... however it's still a work in progress since I seem to have screwed up the html...meah, I'll fix it later. :P Plus I have a few questions I'm going to pester the computer geeks with (ie, Brehaut, Paul, Nathan... are there actually any girls in the computer science courses? :P ;)) mostly to do with really awesome girly-girl graphics I want to try and load onto here...hehehehe...ribbons, hearts, kittens, and all things purple and fluffy here we come!!!! :D

2) Some of you have asked me when I'm having Monty Python Madness at my place...I'm planning it for the first three nights of next week. More details to come when I have time! :)

Right...I'm off to drool over some awesome 3D animation! YEAH!
Au Revoir!

Completely Irrelevant

2004-06-28T17:13:00.000+12:00

...MY NEICE CAN SAY MY NAME! ~_~

*awwwwwwwww!!!!*
She's two years old and I swear she is so cute she is going to be *such* a heartbreaker when she's my age, lol :)
My brother just put her on the phone:

Me: "Hello Maddie!!!"
Maddison-Lily: "...Jess! *makes kiss noises*"

...SHE'S SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!

...that's all I wanted to say :D

Music and Miscellaneous Mayhem

2004-06-28T14:57:00.000+12:00

SQUEE! :D Performance Assessment is over! *big anime eyes* I'm so HAPPY!!!! :D
For those who don't know, P.A consists of playing two pieces of music from the term's set list and improvising over the chord changes. Important Note: it is all memorised! :P ick.
Song pretty much goes: intro, play the melody (in jazz we call it the "head"), solo over the changes, play the melody out, ending.
This term it was individual assessment, which meant that instead of playing with the other second years in a group, I had to play with the TUTORS! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! It can be quite intimidating.
I went through my tunes alright and my improvised solos were pretty good though I messed up a couple of runs (ie, umm...how do I put it? Playing a very fast line up/down the piano keys) which annoyed me because I had them to perfection in my own time. Stupid nerves...
However I got the thumbs up from my piano tutor afterwards (he was one of the markers) :D But I'm not sure whether or not I should take that as a good sign. He's really old and very sweet and likes pretty much everything, so I don't really trust his opinion of my playing :P I've been thinking about changing piano tutors because I believe I've learnt as much as I can from Doug and I feel like I need to be extended... I need to be challenged. In fact, admittedly I made life a whole lot harder than it needed to be for my assessment :P I don't like taking the easy road if it can be helped, particularly not in music. For example, it's compulsory to do two solos over the changes in each piece...so what do I do? In the first tune I did THREE, and in the second I did two but did a third one in which I daringly "traded fours" with one of the tutors (another jazz term meaning I would improvise a line then another soloist would develop what I did, then trade it back to me where I'd create something off what they did... it's awesome when people can do it well, however I'm pretty mediocre at it- and that's being generous :P It's really hard to do)
The thing with jazz is it's like talking- you learn the words then create sentences with those words. Trading fours is even cooler because you're having a conversation with another instrument! :D
But yeah, long story short...I need to be challenged, I *like* to be challenged, and in fact here's the secret about me: If someone tells me I'm incapable of something, I'll go out of my way to prove them wrong (there are exceptions to this though: if you tell me I'll never stop being afraid of spiders, I ain't gonna argue!), lol... and it's not that so much even, because I couldn't care less what people think of me (though admittedly, it's nice when people like you *grins*).. I just want to prove it to *myself*. Because it's one thing saying you can do it, and quite another to put words into action. I try my very best to live up to sayings like "you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?" or "put your money where your mouth is" etc... A sense of personal achievement is important to me.

I took a peek at Reuben's blog and to comment on one of his posts- I disagree somewhat when he mentioned:
"Where is the point of doing things for ourselves? We gain recognition, we achieve just so that we may feel better about ourselves. In ten years, neither that recognition nor our achievement continues to hold any sense of fulfillment, satisfaction, or even purpose for us."

I don't care about the recognition or anything... but I like personal achievement. I personally feel the satisfaction is worth it to me. To relate it to my music- I never feel more at peace doing anything than just composing. And I don't care if anyone hears it or not. It just feels plain good. Don't get me wrong- I would still put the importance of loving others and social responsibility right up there, but I wouldn't put restrictions on a sense of self-worth and identity. I think if you can't love who you are, how can you love others? "Love your neighbour as yourself"... I find it interesting that loving yourself is mostly considered egotistical or selfish. We are all individuals, not a collective entity. Saying that makes me think of the Borg in Star Trek :P And I certainly don't want to be "assimilated". (man I'm such a geek)
As with all things in life- everything in moderation! God teaches us this as well. I've actually become suicidally depressed in the past with trying to please everyone else and ignoring my own needs. And I think the key to loving yourself *is* personal achievement and a sense of satisfaction in the things you do. Helping others is definitely important- I love helping people and I feel very happy when I can do so. But I learnt the hard way that you have just as much a responsibility to your self, as to other people.
*yawns* anyhoo, because I'm such a daydreamer, I've lost my train of thought and I think I've wasted enough of my time (and possibly others' if there are people actually reading this! lol) on here so I'm going to go study for my music theory exam and finish wrapping a birthday present for a fellow jazz-cat :)
One last thing I'd say though, is I'd be interested to hear your opinions on the subject of selfishness vs selflessness and perhaps self-identity even. Until next time!!!! :D
- Jess (the eccentric cat-lover) =^_^=

Two Days to Go

2004-06-25T21:59:00.000+12:00

AHHHH Two days before Performance Assessment! Hopefully it goes alright... it's just not the same as a normal exam...you can go in there with the knowledge in your head, but with music... a large part depends on your emotions too, even things like temperature! (YOU try playing the piano really fast with cold hands, seriously :P)
Aye well, I think I'll go do a bit more practice and pray for the best, quite literally- in fact, add me in your prayers if you can people! I need all the spiritual help I can get...I have a tendency to psyche myself out with fear and my nerves are always on edge. The instant that happens I've lost it :P In fact, it's reached the stage where I'm nervous about getting nervous (HA!) because I know what a HUGE effect it has on my playing ability! I forget chords, scales, even where I am in the piece! URGH!
Not to mention my flu symptoms have started acting up again...I suppose that's what I get for staying up until 1am playing Psychiatrist. :P lol... Speaking of which, it's actually even more hilarious for me looking back on it now because until I caught on, some of the answers made no sense whatsoever, but now...tee hee :D It was worth the effort of being badly confused, lol!
As for the watching of DVD "Pitch Black", I'm hoping I might actually SLEEP tonight! lol :D Though admittedly, a large part of my restless night was due to having a congested head...ick :P
Back to "Psychiatrist" though... definitely an interesting way to get to know people! *grins*
Now I'm going to go eat something, do a short practice and fall into bed since I have long day tomorrow...or more specifically, my weekly four-hour gig PLUS an extra hour of rehearsal before hand... I think I might need to do some hand stretches, lol. :)

Interesting quirk of my day: The "new" guy at my work (I work in a Sounds music store for those unaware ~_~) turns out to be Christian! How awesome is that? Although I felt like I was going to throw up all day due to being ill, it was fun talking with him. :)

In Other News...

2004-06-23T21:17:00.000+12:00

Why I prefer Cats to Dogs :D

Also...

*Stands up and addresses crowd*
"Hi, my name's Jessica. And I'm a Blog Addict."

Phew...felt good to get that off my chest- now perhaps I can begin the "healing process" ;)
I haven't practised all day and I really should go do that now...
I have THE worst habit of getting involved in this kind of thing the week before exams...last time, I bought my recording console and ended up staying awake until 2am each morning during exam week playing with it.... *dramatic sob* I just couldn't help myself!!!!! :D

However, I have a good excuse- my parents have left for Hawai'i and all I have is the cat to keep me company. Don't get me wrong, I love my cat (who is currently sitting on my bed and drooling 8/...), however this big ol' dark, supposedly haunted (according to my easily scared friends :P), two-story house...that is also very COLD might I add... can be pretty lonely when you're the ONLY PERSON IN IT :P
Therefore, to keep myself from going insane, I have turned to blogging... lol!

However, to keep myself from FAILING, I think I'll go practise piano now *grins*

PS: Nathan- I think I'm becoming a comment addict too! We should start a club!!!!

PPS: Who watched Malcolm in the Middle? IT WAS HILARIOUS! tee hee I was very nearly rolling on the floor laughing with that "job interview" :D

PPPS: Dontcha just love "post-post scripts"? ;) ~_~

PPPPS: hm...I think my lack of contact with humans is causing me to go slightly crazy...hmmm... oh well, guess I can hang out with Michelle then! :D

Venting

2004-06-22T23:07:00.000+12:00

MEN! HONESTLY!
The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it?! :P

I'm sure you Christian guys are different though...(I hope!)...

Just been having a lovely girly chat with my best mate who is at the uni halls. She keeps getting stepped on by males and I don't see why; she's beautiful, caring and very intelligent. And because I'm really protective of the people closest to me, more than once I have had the urge to smack a few heads around if it'll stop her tears. Even if someone *attempts* something on her she doesn't welcome I'm quite ready to rip them apart. (If she's reading this, I love you babe! lol ~_~)

And then there's another good friend of mine who has gone through *so much* (And some of the stuff she's been through...I'd more than smack a few heads around- it makes me absolutely LIVID that someone would dare hurt her in any way!), and she actually has no faith in the opposite sex whatsoever...she has *seriously* asked me "Is there really any hope that there is a guy out there who will commit to me?"
I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? I just want to wrap her in a big blanket, cuddle her and tell her everything is okay.

I have to wonder, what is it that possesses someone to cheat? It doesn't matter what they've got...I mean, in some cases it's not even for someone more attractive or nicer- speaking from experience here! I got badly burnt awhile back and replaced by a female who is 9 years older than me, with a what- four year old daughter?- and I don't like judging people by appearance, but to quote Brehaut who has seen her (you probably know who I'm talking about now!) "she looks like a man", and on top of that has enough psychological issues to sink a small ship...

Do my friends and I have some kind of personality disorder? :P I have to wonder sometimes! If so, I'd *really* appreciate it if someone would tell me so I could work on it :P
I know I'm eccentric, but I didn't think that would scare guys off :P

HA! I'm fervently praying Christian guys are different...because if they aren't I'm SO becoming a lesbian :P

Heh...though in all seriousness, it's horrible to see the way values have changed...and the stuff people see at the movies and on TV doesn't help either!

Top Five TV Shows I'd Rather Eat A Spider Than Watch:

1. Temptation Island
2. Newlyweds- Nick and Jessica (WHY must she have my name?!)
3. Pleasure Island
4. Footballers' Wives
5. Big Brother (More specifically the "uncut" version :p)

I can also think of a dozen more...does anyone watch TV anymore? This reality stuff is gross.
It's like people thrive on seeing relationships *not* work out! I'm not sure what's worse- the people in the shows, or the people watching them that *delight* in seeing relationships fail!
It very seriously makes me want to cry.

I actually *truly* cannot understand why sleeping around is more fun than being in an intimate, loving relationship. I don't.

Which of them makes you happy? For me, the answer seems obvious :P

I am now going to cuddle my cat and consider becoming The Crazy Old Cat-Lady I mentioned to Paul :P I'm starting to believe it's easier to understand animals- that can't even *speak*, than men. (And before I get a huge riot going on that comment- I'll be the first to admit women can be just as bad, but statistically, the rate does seem to be higher for men :p)

Arghhhhh...

God and Devil

2004-06-22T14:38:00.001+12:00

Paul's comic post reminded me of this funny strip I saw..well, at least I thought it was funny *grins*

6 Days Left Until Performance Assessment

2004-06-21T21:20:00.000+12:00

Urgh, been practising the piano today and now my hands hurt :p
*stretches fingers and hears the joints click*
ew..not good...

*eep* I hope I don't screw up on stage, that'd be my luck entirely! I've missed a lot of practice sessions with my combo group and the one time a tutor walked in to hear us I panicked during my solo and messed it up entirely (as it was the one tutor who scares the living daylights out of me :P he's really intense...Unfortunately, he's also one of the markers. Urgh.)
Practise today went well, but it's the old adage that you get it right in your own time, and the instant you try to do it in front of someone else it goes to the dogs :P
Murphy's Law...*sigh*

On top of that, I seem to have developed flu symptoms in the past 24 hours and now I feel awful!

*sitting at computer drinking hot blackcurrent with her head poking out of a duvet*

Hopefully that goes away. I think we all dislike studying... it's just made that much worse when you have blocked sinuses :P

My parents also leave for three weeks early tomorrow morning for a trip to Hawai'i.... lucky things :p
Last time they went I was 14 and got taken along with them... it is THE nicest place ever!
*wistful* Walking down the beach (even swimming...)as the sun sets, tropical, balmy breezes... and the NIGHT LIFE is awesome! And I'm not actually talking about clubs and stuff (not that I'd know...I was 14 years old last time I went :P)... seriously, the place comes alive at midnight. Street buskers, beach concerts, flea-markets... If you ever get a chance to visit Hawai'i, it is sooooo worth the effort!
However this time my parents are leaving me behind to face horrible performance assessment and second year theory exams :P

...on the bright side, I get the house to myself. hehehe...
I can turn up the stereo, dance around like a maniac, and watch movies all night long...
anyone care to join me once their exams are finished? :D

*sigh* Anyhoo, I suppose I should do some theory study...yech...
Anyone know anything about unavailable tones and the use of Lydian b7 chords on chromatic root notes? :p

...Maybe I'll just go to bed, lol.

Under Construction!!!!

2004-06-20T23:17:00.000+12:00

LOOK! I figured out how to change colours!!!! :D Very basically, but I still managed to do it! tee hee (and I know pretty much NOTHING about html)..however I'm still trying to figure out how to move the profile sidebar over to the right so I don't get that coloured strip between it and the border...grrr... any suggestions?
Anyhoo, a work in progress. :P :) I'll keep playing with it until it's to my satisfaction.
In the meantime, at least it's purple now :D
And you thought Ruth was colour obsessive! hehehe...

...ehh...I really should be practising for my Performance Assessment but it's late, I'm tired...and I'm getting sick! :( NOOOOOO! Just my luck, right before my exams too! :P

owie...sore throats hurt :(
Sigh, anyhoo, good luck the rest of you with your exams the next couple of weeks!

Don't Mind Me #2 (aka Playing Around :D)

2004-06-20T14:21:00.000+12:00

hmmm hopefully this works...

Myself and my lil' neice Maddison Lily! :D Can you say AWWWWWWWW?

Testing: One Two Three...

2004-06-20T13:08:00.000+12:00

mm...grand piano...*drools*

Ahh so this is how it works...anyone know how to add a photo to my actual *profile* page?!?!..Oh wait, I think I might have figured out how to do that...hmmm....I wonder....

Don't Mind Me...

2004-06-20T13:04:00.000+12:00

Don't mind me...just currently fooling around with this site trying to make things work. :) I am the epitome of the kid who says "what does this button do?"...
oohhh....I can add photos...hmmm.....

Greetings and Salutations

2004-06-20T01:09:00.000+12:00

hmmmm...thanks to my church mates (hello to all ABC-goers reading this! ~_~) for directing me to the blogger site. Hehehe...I'm such a net geek this kind of thing tickles my fancy quite nicely :D
Although I have a handwritten diary, I can type a heckuva lot faster and I'm just the kind of..."unique"...individual who enjoys spending far too much time writing endless drivel in public forums for the people who are insane enough to care what I think :)
Prepare yourselves for extreme prolixity over the most bizarre and inane matters (hey, I was recently told by Paul that as a musician I need to work on my eccentricity...I figure this is a great way to do so :D)
You have been warned.
*yawns*, now, it's sleepy time...mm...sleep....

Kitten on the Keys

Backpedalling

ARRRR!!!!

Damn The Man

Just A Note...

An Update. woo.

Tent Needs For Parachute!

Gone But Not Forgotten

It Came Out From Under A Rock...

Frustrated

Amusingly Interesting... :D

I Miss You Chocolate...

Random Snippets

Home Sweet Home

Turkey (and getting there)

Santorini

Quick update

Photos!

Athens

When the cats away...

The Geek Comes Out Of The Closet

5 Days To Go...

Curiosity killed the Cat?

squidgy. coz I can.

YAY!

Thankyou

Information for Stalkers

Hypnosis Update

Parachute: From The Mind Of Jess

Hypnosis Hassles

Art thou so affected?

Yay! Christmas! :)

It Came Out From Under A Rock...

Ouch!

"Tricksey" Tutors!

Do A Little Dance...:D

Home and Hell

Au Revoir

...Watch as the Panic Sets In:

Wow! :D

It's a Happy Day... ;)

Important Stuff

Rantings from a Feverish Mind

Fantails, Films and Friendship! :)

Oh Dear...

MOVIES ON THURSDAY

Performance Assessment Ahoy

Movie Nights... Rahrahrah!!!!! :D

In Need of TLC. Be Gentle. :P

LEGENDARY!

Spring Fever

Spring and Skating! =^_^=

Thoughts for the Day

ICE-SKATING PARTY!!!!

Photos

Life is Hectic

Dear Diary

40 Days of Pointless???

Tired

So Far So Good

work work work work work....BLOG!!! *runs around the circle*

Music and God (Well...that just summed up my life nicely :P)

HTML Help

Procrastination Princess

Jess the Juror

20 Pages Later...

... Stuff :P

Honesty Is The Best Policy...

What a Week...

Monty Python Madness

Holidays

Completely Irrelevant

Music and Miscellaneous Mayhem

Two Days to Go

In Other News...

Venting

God and Devil

6 Days Left Until Performance Assessment

Under Construction!!!!

Don't Mind Me #2 (aka Playing Around :D)

work work work work work....BLOG!!! runs around the circle